An Angry American Woman Married to a Mexican

gonna run away with the singer

2009-03-12T16:20:00.001-05:00

throat and nose

2009-03-12T15:34:00.002-05:00

Levi is having hit tonsils and adenoids removed tomorrow and I fear that I may become an ogre towards Helio for it. In times of crisis or possible tension Helio falls into himself and goes away to never-never land. In other words, he is sort of like the walking dead- zombie like. This is one of those reasons why I tend to spend much of my time googling my friends via my blackberry when something big is going on. It’s a habit I have learned. I like feedback. I also like for someone to be able to handle my outbursts that illustrate minor moments of fear and anxiety. Eventually, I come around and I know that things will be fine. However, it is the way I mentally process- first everything is falling apart and we are all gonna die, then within 5 minutes or so, I have rationalized things for myself, taken a deep breath, and move on.

I would like to be able to vocalize my fears with someone. It would be great if Helio could be that sounding board. Instead, during the procedure tomorrow he will drill me about if this is the best thing to do, what are the bad things that could happen, and if we were in Mexico, how everyone would be nicer about it not to mention the cost of the whole deal. This would be reason #2 I shut down with him. I don’t want the questions and I don’t want to worry about all of those other things.

Maybe I need to give him a set of rules tonight. I think setting the stage of allowable material during the 40 minute procedure might save me some wasted energy at shooting him evilness with my eyes.

An All Time Fav

2009-03-12T15:08:00.001-05:00

Download Morgan Page - The Longest Road

st. jude

2009-02-22T17:59:00.002-06:00

the patron saint of Lost Causes, need I say more?

the basement

2009-02-21T16:01:00.002-06:00

La Virgin- please help my husband to figure out how to pull his head out of his ass and finish the basement. I have become more angry, more threatening, more unpleasant. I can not handle his Mexican craftsmanship and failure to complete a task.

I have been waiting since last April for this small project to come to an end. I have tried every angle I can think of. I have collected about 5 different phone numbers of people who could either come help or take over the project, I have had my father come for days to narrate what needs to be done, I have for nearly 12 months looked for activities each weekend to keep the boys out of the house.

With your wisdom and your kind understanding, please kick his ass and cause him to feel shame in his total lack of motivation. This blessed union depends on it.

Kindly,
Your Catholic patron when necessary- mcm

01.13.07 Day 26, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T21:04:00.002-06:00

We did not make it to D.F. We decided it would be better to let Levi swim some more and take it easy. We had many people to say goodbye to and we wanted to take as much time in the sun as possible.

I was feeling a little nostalgic today about having to leave Mexico and that I was sort of getting used to it and then we went swimming. We got into Atotonilco for the sixth time today with our wrist bands that we have been safeguarding. Helio went to park the car and we decided it was best to enter separately as to not draw attention to ourselves. (I pretended I knew no Spanish) Whenever Levi sees water he wants to dive right in. So, I quickly coated him in sun repellent and put his swim shorts on. As I was wading in the water with Levi crawling around by my feet I noticed a group of girls behind me. They were all pointing and laughing at me (or maybe us, Levi and I, but it wasn’t nice) I did my best to continue to watch them so that they would stop but they didn’t. Levi then decided that he was tired of the pool we were in and wanted to go over to the pool right by them. So I had to chase after him. I grabbed Levi and started to march back to the pool we were in previously when I looked up one of the girls actually stuck her tongue out at me. I usually stumble in a situation like this but I was angry by then. I just looked at her and said “nice”. I felt like I was in third grade again.

I tried to ignore this minor incident and go on with my day. Then Helio left me to go out to buy some tacos. I was again in the water with Levi when a little boy of about 5 years got out of the pool, walked across my towel, pulled his shorts down, and put both of his hands on the stone wall behind my towel and peed. His mother and other company all thought it was hilarious. When Helio returned and I was packing up our things to relocate he asked me what was going on. I tried to explain and he said “oh all kids are like that”. I would just die if Levi did that next to someone’s stuff. Especially if they looked foreign as I wouldn’t want to make a worse impression of what they may possibly already think.

We drove back to Cuernavaca to stay at Conchita’s one last time and take a bus from there to D.F. in the morning. Our flight leaves sometime before 2 tomorrow. We checked in at the boutique with Conchita and she offered to watch Levi tonight so that Helio and I can actually have time alone. I had given up all hope that we would actually get to have time alone so I am thrilled. I will miss Mexico and especially my hombre that has to live in Mexico. Hasta la proxima, (until the next time)

01.12.07 Day 25, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T21:04:00.001-06:00

1Day TwentyFive- 01.12.06, Friday

We picked up Juan in the morning and went swimming. It was great to have him for the whole day. He jumped right into calling me “Auntie”. He really is such a sweet kid. I want to buy him all sorts of things he doesn’t need but I am afraid of offending someone. Helio and I went in the evening to buy him a new pair of shoes for school and I feel like I didn’t do enough. Whenever I suggest to Helio that we need to buy him toys he gets upset so I have done my best to control myself.

After we went swimming the four of us went back to Antonio’s house. He bought a few presents for Levi and was so sweet. You can truly see in his eyes how proud he is to have a second grandson. I think his nervous habit is to continue to feed or do stuff for his company. He cut up some coconuts for us to eat with his machete no less (they eat the meat of the coconuts with lime, chile, and salt) and drink, gave me peanuts, and wouldn’t stop offering every beverage he had in his fridge. After I thought he had exhausted all possible things to offer, he quickly sprang up from his chair to water down the garage/kitchen with the hose. I have no idea why. It was just all of a sudden very important to do so.

We then went into Cuautla (the five of us) for dinner. We ate mojarra and coptel de camarones (shrimp cocktail). I tried to ask Juan things about his dad but it doesn’t seem that he knows much about him. Which makes sense because he is always in the United States. I tried to offer what information I knew about him. Things like he built me a fence, he likes to eat vegetables, and he knows how to fix cars. Juan told me his favorite foods are shrimp and beans. Then he kept asking to eat the eyes of the fish I was trying to eat while avoiding the head. Of course, I wasn’t going to eat it so Helio plucked out the eye and little Juan ate it right up. To my surprise, fish eyes are much bigger than they appear. (thinking of this makes me feel a little gag-like, I need to stop)

We walked around downtown and looked for a store for shoes to purchase those school shoes for Juan. It was one of those moments again where you try to down play the whole thing because you don’t want to cry. Antonio gave me a rose, bought the boys these balloon figures and did his best to be a loving father-in-law/grandpa. I think it was a moment for him as well. I couldn’t help be overwhelmed with the feeling that this is “his” family. -Something that he hasn’t come to appreciate until his later years.

As Helio was paying for Juan’s shoes Antonio, Levi and I walked back to the car. Antonio used to work in a government department down here that is similar to the police. I asked him if he knew of anyone still in office that he could talk to on our behalf. He seemed to think that he might. I guess one of his very good friends used to work in the embassy down here and he thinks he could talk to him to see if he could connect himself to someone that could help us. He promised that he and Helio would go to Mexico City to talk to some people and see what they can do. (Wouldn’t that be amazing if it actually helped us). We parted ways in the street and he was crying. I think that is the stamp of approval. I believe I made a good impression. I asked him to “cuida mi esposo” (take care of my husband) He seemed to be thankful to do so. Sometimes it takes a woman to come into the mix to bring to light that which you have in your hands. I could see how he lovingly talked of Helio, his grandsons, and how he would do everything he could to help us in this immigration thing.

When we got back to the house in Jona, we just watched TV (with bad reception and in Spanish but it was Law & Order so it felt a little regular). I finally had to go to sleep and Helio tried to finish the show but fell asleep on the sofa. For a moment there, it felt like we were just any old ordinary family. I had to get up to bring Helio to bed so we would all be rested to pack in the morning and take advantage of our last day. I can’t believe this whole trip is over already. Well, on to pack all the dirty clothes, hopefully everything fits in my suitcases.

01.11.07 Day 24, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T21:01:00.000-06:00

Conchita took Helio, Levi and myself out for breakfast today at a restaurant named I Sanborne’s. (Susan and Jonathan left for Minnesota at 4 am this morning.) I would equate it to a Byerly’s. It was great, I had French toast, bacon, and a real cup of coffee (not Sanka). Sanborne’s is in a mall. When we arrived, I totally felt like I was at home and I could see Levi’s face light up as well. He ran through the mall. I think I am in love commercialism the more I see how walking into a well lit mall makes my heart race. Conchita and I had a lot of time to visit alone as Helio spent most of the meal casing after Levi. It was nice to just sort of get to know her more. She is a very kind woman and the more I am around her, the more I respect her. I just have to get used to the sort of pushy nature of her and the rest is cake. After breakfast we walked around the mall for a while. Levi and I found a magazine stand and Levi laid on the floor to read something that looked like the Mexican version of Highlights, I miss magazines. I finally found a Starbucks but I had to decline as I tried to drink as much coffee as I could at breakfast, I just can’t win. We walked through the mall and found a few very cool clothing stores and nice shoe shop. Conchita insisted on buying me some new leather boots. That moment felt like one of the longest moments of my life. I kept trying to get her not to buy the boots but she looked wounded that I wouldn’t let her. I broke into a sweat all over. I had to try on both boots, model them around, get the opinion of a few sales clerks and then help her pick out shoes for herself. As much as I am warming up to her, it felt weird to jump right into fashion with her. Baby steps, baby steps... The Mexicans like to dive right in. Just like when I met Helio, he started telling me that he was going to marry me a month or so into our getting to know one another, and through a translator. They just see what they want and go for it.

Helio told me about Mexico’s new pet control policy. In general, many cities have had big problems with mangy dogs (and I can attest to it, I have seen many in my short time here) and so the big dogs decided they needed to do something to clean up the mess. Instead of catching the dogs and bringing them to the pound, there is a group of guys that goes around looking for dogs. When they find them, regardless of how mangy they are, how little they are, or how much someone loves them, they douse them with a bucket of water and then connect the wet dog to cables that are attached to the big battery they tow around. Wow, I don’t know what I would do if I saw that. Mexico is messed up.

Helio has been telling me for years that the stars are super bright in Jona and that one day I need to see them. I have sort of ignored this but now really think it is true. Being from the North Country, I thought they were bright up there, but here, it is nearly distracting. They are so bright and it draws you outside in the night.

Helio explained another tradition to me last night. As we were driving back to Jona he pointed out some vans and people with La Virgen t-shirts. At first I didn’t notice that there was anything in particular happening as there are often times big vans decked out with Our Lady Guadalupe, there are random cars pulled over on the side of the road and there are always people standing road side in the night. I guess the Catholic folks down here make a promise to La Virgen to run from Jona to Mexico City in some sort of relay. Of course, it has to be on a major highway and in the dark, I think the more dangerous, the more dedicated Catholic you are.

I think it is sad that everything is behind a fence here. There isn’t much civic architecture. Everyone is afraid of being robbed, because it happens all the time, houses and public buildings for the most part are all built behind a fence. It does help me sleep at night knowing that if someone wanted to rob me of my laptop they would have to get through a big locked metal gate or jump the roof where of course, there are broken glass bottles coating the roof line. (I have seen many houses that actually have razor wire all along the perimeter of their house, I will send photos) When we pull up to the house here in Jona, we drive along a two lane street that does not have a shoulder and a small sidewalk on either side. Helio puts his hazards on and has to back up traffic as he unlocks the gate and then backs into the drive behind the gate. Everything is built out to the street. It makes everything feel very closed off and congested.

We went to meet Helio’s mama de verdad (real mom) today. I was so nervous as I have spent many hours of my last 5-6 years being angry with her for not doing everything in her power to be an actual mother to Helio (she totally ditched him when he was about 4). I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to hide it. Her house is right outside of Cuernavaca. We drove up to what I think looks sort of like the projects from what I have seen from Central Duluth hillside and movies of cities that have “the projects”. We were greeted by one of her daughters (from a different relationship other than Helio’s dad). We waited on her sofa for about 10 minutes for her to come home. (she was somewhere in the complex visiting with someone) Of course, I was afraid to touch anything but Levi was trying his best to catch the two goldfish in their fish tank. When she arrived, I was totally floored, she looks nothing like I expected. This is awful, but she is very very unattractive with very bad teeth, I don’t know how Helio is so beautiful and has such great teeth because he had many strikes against him to start out with. Maybe it is that you can just see her life all over her and that is what makes her unattractive. It was a little difficult to swallow her walking into the room to see Levi with open arms and say “I am your grandmother, give me a kiss”. I was so proud of Helio sitting next to him there in her house. I know how he feels inside but he was so polite and kind. She kept giving him marital advice which I don’t know if I could have handled if I were him. I nearly had to walkout of the room when she asked him how old he and Alan are. Instead of walking out, I waited for the tears to subside while I turned my attention in the opposite direction to the TV. Sara has like 4-5 more children aside from Alan and Helio and it doesn’t seem she remembers the first two she had. It was weird to see Helio try to ask his half sister to come outside to take a photo and say “vamos afuera, aaaaa, como te llamas….” (let’s go outside, aaaa, what’s your name?)

I have bites all up and down my legs because I was eaten alive by mosquitoes when we went to Conchita’s borther’s house to swim. Or course, I started scratching like mad as we were visiting with his mom and half sisters. (One’s name is Erika and the other, not sure) -Totally a nervous habit of mine to scratch all over when I get a little uncomfortable or anxious. So, Sara wanted to do the motherly thing and help as a good Mexican woman does. I so wish I could have stopped but my hands just kept going right back to the bites on the backs of my legs. She kept offering to coat me in lime or rubbing alcohol. I finally had to let her rub me down with rubbing alcohol. I opted for that as I thought that the lime might attract more bugs.

The apartment smelled a bit funky and the air was so stale that I kept coughing. Perhaps it was just that I didn’t want to absorb anything of her and that is why I felt like I was going to choke the whole time I was in there. Luckily, I had a bunch of cough drops in my bag and ate a few while we were there to keep me from holding my breath or running to the street for fresh air. They were good and strong so the only thing I could smell after a while was spearmint Halls.

I didn’t realize that she knew about Levi and me. I guess Alan has been over to her house and shown her pictures of our wedding and has talked about us. It was reassuring to hear that he has said good things about me. I totally thought he hated me. Sara went on and on about how lucky Helio is because I work and that there aren’t many women who work and expect everything to be handed to them. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t work. I explained that it is easy to work when you do what you love and you have great people to work with. Aside from having a fantastic job, I would be so sad if all I did all day was make meals, clean up and visit with the neighbors. I don’t know why anyone would want that for their life.

I tried to keep my distance as much as possible. Levi on the other hand made himself right at home. As I was trying to get him to stop running into the back bedroom they kept saying to me “Dejalo” (leave him, he’s fine) So I did my best to relax. I let him run around a bit. He went upstairs with one of the girls to see a couple dogs and kept walking into their kitchen. Then to my horror he walked over to the table and grabbed a box of Corn Flakes, took the bag out and plopped down on their sofa to eat them. I tried to stop him but as they kept saying “dejalo”. He spread Corn Flakes all over their house and they wouldn’t let me clean it up. Then Sara wanted to give him things, she gave him a big yellow ball they had upstairs and a bottle of baby shampoo. (huh?) The people down here are fascinated with his hair.

The ride back Helio talked a bit about our visit to Sara’s house. He said he just doesn’t want to get close but tries his best to respect her. I told him that he never has to go back if he doesn’t want to. (she wants to cook for us before Levi and I return home, I don’t think I can handle a meal there) As he was reflecting on our experience he said “the thing that makes me proud is I have my own family, home, and life outside of all of that and I did it in a country that isn’t mine”

The Mexicans love fireworks. However, their fireworks are not like back at home. I still have yet to see a pretty explosion in the sky. I only hear the noise. On our ride to Jona, I saw a few of these “fireworks” and there isn’t anything to see, it is just a stream of smoke and a poof, bang, then nothing. It sort of reminds me of the holidays down here. There is a lot of talk about a big party or celebration, then everyone gets together and it never feels like anything gets going. We are all just gathered together and then, poof, bang, I just want to go home because there is nothing happening.

We returned to Jona in the night. Our baptismal pool has turned green in our absence. I guess Helio was right when he said “things could be worse” when I was complaining about bathing a 5 gallon bucket. Now there are many insect varieties floating on the top of our bacteria filled swamp. This is the water that I am supposed to bathe, brush my teeth, and wash the dishes with. I still haven’t figured out what I am going to do.

I should stop writing here; this is becoming a long entry. I have many more things to say but maybe they will have to wait until I get back. -Just a few more days.

01.09.07 Day 22, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:59:00.003-06:00

We spent the morning visiting with Rafa and Paloma. It was so weird to hang out the four of us in Mexico. (Susan, Rafa, Helio, and myself) Rafa is such a nice guy. We hung out in their backyard and tried to keep their parrot from biting off my kid’s fingers. They offered us elotes (ears of corn) which of course we had to accept. Jonathan is such a trooper, he will eat anything. However, the elotes they gave us, I swear had been sitting in a pot in the back for the last week in the sun. Paloma brought over the bowl of them and asked “would you like them prepared like this or with lime and mayonnaise” I quickly stopped her from doing any more work to the corn. It is considered a treat to eat corn plucked from the ear in a cup with a spoon, lime, chile, cheese, and mayonnaise. It looks like one of the most vile ways to eat corn that I could imagine. As I was walking past Susan to keep Levi from something I whispered to her, don’t take the corn, it’s gross. She is a quick study- she declined when the bowl came her way.

We drove out to Taxco today from Cuernavaca. It was amazing. It is beautiful, clean, and so romantic. I wish we had more time to spend there. Helio told me they are responsible for most of the world’s silver mining. There was a silver shop every few feet with lots of options. You would think I would have purchased a lot but we didn’t have a lot of time. We arrived around 5pm and had to find some food. Of course, the plate they brought me was disgusting and I had to eat the bread that came with it to get full. I thought I was playing it safe by ordering soup and salad, but when the guy came out with a tray and tray stand to prepare my Caesar salad, I quickly realized that those were not hard boiled eggs they put their Caesar salads. He stirred up raw egg and then put full leaves of romaine lettuce in the bowl. I tried, I honestly tried to eat it but I just can’t eat a bunch of lettuce leaves with raw egg on it. (Jonathan explained this is how they prepare Caesar salad in Australia as well if you need that information for the future)

We made many comments through the day how strange it is to have Jonathan the English guy here in Mexico. The English apparently have lots of rules and protocol. The Mexicans- absolutely do not. Jonathan said that he thinks it is amazing to see all the colors and to witness all the yelling that goes back and forth between Mexicans. It makes the trip all the more fun to see a Brit have his exchange with the Mexicans.

We stayed at Conchita’s again Tuesday night. It was good to be in a nice, clean house but I just couldn’t sleep. I think it was my legs aching from going up the hill the day before. My resting period in Mexico, I think, has come to an end. I haven’t had a good night’s rest in three days. One night I listened to full traffic all night and slept in a twin bed with Helio and Levi at the hotel. (The roads down here do not normally have weight restrictions so you get everything from a noisy mope head without a muffler to a semi on the same road, not to mention the foot traffic, oddly I have heard a lot of ACDC from car stereos down here) The following night in Jona without moving air, and then Tuesday just plain couldn’t sleep. Soon, I will be in my own bed, I just wish Helio could be there too.

01.10.07 Day 23, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:59:00.002-06:00

We spent the morning visiting with Conchita and Solomon. She made breakfast for us (beans, eggs, quesadillas, and fresh orange juice) which Jonathan and Susan love. They keep saying they are in heaven here with the food and I just can’t seem to understand how. Solomon likes to take shots at me every now and then because I won’t eat the papaya (even Levi has no problem with the papaya) I just don’t understand how someone can get over the smell and actually swallow it. For all the food that I haven’t been able to eat here, I don’t think that I have lost any weight as I am having to get my sustenance out of bags of chips or things that are pre-packaged which is rather unfortunate.

We drove about 40 minutes out of Cuernavaca today to Las Grutas. It is a big cave where you can see all the formations that occur naturally from the dripping water. It was very cool to see but I couldn’t help thinking that it is so beautiful and sunny out and I am going to spend 2 hours under the earth where I could be basking in the sun’s glow. We had a guide and as Susan leaned over to me and said on our way out, that tour was just so “Mexican”. We didn’t really learn about history, geology, or how the cave was discovered. Our Spanish speaking tour guide walked us 2 kilometers (about 1.2 miles) into the barely lit cave and proceeded to tell us about what he thinks the different formations look like. Some examples were a woman laying in profile with very large breasts (which he made her move up and down, simulating a certain activity, by holding a flash light up to the rocks and casting a shadow onto the back wall of the cave), a bear, and of course Our Lady Guadalupe (La Virgen). It is amazing how you can find religion in pretty much anything.

Speaking of La Virgen- There are these little shrines set up everywhere down here in her memory. All along the road sides you can see these sort of shadow boxes set up with an image of her and candles all around. People deck out the front of their house with La Virgen. Most times she has all sorts of blinking Christmas lights adorning her. I actually saw a semi-psychedelic display- she was made into this moving 3-d strobe. Couldn’t help but notice that demonstration. As much as the Catholic religion is filled with pomp and circumstance, convention, and established worship, some of the devotionals are very creative and non-traditional.

In the evening we drove back to Cuernavaca and swam at Conchita’s very well-to-do brother’s house. I was floored as we were granted access through these beautifully carved wooden doors. The gardener let us in as he is in New York right now and rarely stays at this house. I have been told that he has 4 houses in Mexico and a few buildings. I wish I would have been able to take a tour through the whole house. It looked huge from the exterior. I was only allowed to go into the basement to change into my suit and then use the pool and Jacuzzi. We plan to go back tomorrow and swim again. Levi is a bit of a fish. When he is in the water, he is happiest. I have to say, as much as it felt that it was very upper class, We sat in the Jacuzzi and visited about our trip all while we were listening to a couple of turkeys gobble in the background. It helped to keep me grounded- I am still in Mexico.

I can feel the end nearing as we are approaching the weekend. Helio is sad and so am I. I think Levi can tell too. Last night he actually requested that his dad put him to bed and not me. (That has never happened) I think that it will be especially difficult to get Levi to understand that dad isn’t coming back or coming home from work when we get back. Currently, every time that Helio walks away from us Levi starts yelling, “Dad, dad, dad”. I keep trying to ignore the fact that we have no plan after I leave and I don’t know when/if I will see him again. We have to go back to Jona to pack up all of the things I have brought along and collected along the way. Then we will go to D.F. to spend a day with his friend Galileo. Helio says there is no sun there because of all the smog. I will do my best to get what I can while I am still able. Just a few days left of trying to act like a normal family in an extraordinary scenario but it will be nice to just watch TV and see what is happening on Entertainment Tonight. (Honestly, I have no idea what is happening in world events or worse yet, in the lives of Tom Cruise/Katie Holmes, Madonna, the music world and other misc. movie stars)

01.08.07 Day 21, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:58:00.000-06:00

Today we went to two pyramid sites. The first ones we went to are just about 5 minutes away from Conchita’s house in Cuernavaca. The big pyramid there is called Teopanzolco. Amazingly, nobody was there except the 5 of us. Helio says that there are pyramids all over Mexico and they all line up with each other because they are following the stars. Susan and I were commenting on how odd it is that there weren’t a signs all over as they would have in London about where to walk and what not to touch and how there wasn’t anything to purchase in the office like they would have in the United States. There wasn’t even a map or take away postcard. Your experience there must all be committed to memory or film.

Later in the afternoon we went to Tepostlan. The city is so cool there. It is very much like Sedona Arizona. Many artists and hippies live there. We climbed a big mountain. I did it in a skirt and flip flops no less, nothing like planning a day adventure. I think I was in a bit of denial that we would actually go up that massive hill. We just kept climbing and climbing and before I knew it, I had to take a sit as I was feeling a little light headed and a bit vomitous. We finally made it up to the top and it was so worth it. I can’t believe that people actually built a pyramid on the top of a hill all by hand. El Tepozteco is the name of that pyramid. Just as we were approaching the top we came across a cross and posted sign in memoriam of some dude falling to his death at that very site. Good little reminder to use caution. Helio carried Levi for the majority of the ascension and decline. Every time I tried to help I felt like I was going to fall or pass out. He is strong like a bull.

Apparently it is cool with the local government to consume what we would call illegal substances in the U.S in Tepostlan. We were greeted by some guy that could barely speak when we finally reached semi-flat land. He wanted us to come into his house and have a drink with him. We refused and opted for a great little restaurant and some tacos (of course).

After our pyramid quest and mountain sportsmanship we drove back to Jonacatepec so that Susan and Jonathan could see where Helio grew up. By the time we all arrived I had a terrible migraine and needed to pass out in bed with a little help from Imitrex. (I am so glad I got that prescription filled before I left) Helio, Susan, and Jonathan sat outside and visited and actually took a walk around town while I sweated it out in the stuffy bedroom with a kid who wouldn’t stop grinding his teeth. We didn’t bring the fan with us and I thought that I would never make it through the night. I did make it but not comfortably. I kept waking up thinking, “where can I go to get comfortable”. The answer- back home to my own bed in Minnesota. My only option in Jona was out to the hammock in the yard and I am just not that brave. I swear all surfaces are hard here, the floor, the walls, the bed, the sofa, all things. I have been clinging to these couple of comforters I have been hauling from town to town in our travels and it has proven to be greatly rewarding. I sort of equate it to a bird or a rat making a nest everywhere we go. It is just nice to have something a little soft when you are tossing and turning on a bed with a concrete base. I think Levi appreciates it as well. I think Jona is so much easier to endure in small doses (like a day at a time) and with a girlfriend to understand how running water is a necessity.

01.07.07 Day 20, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:57:00.002-06:00

I take back anything I have ever felt or said that is negative about Conchita. (Helio’s ex-step-mom) Yes, she comes on very strong and sort of mothers me a bit more than I can handle but wow, she has rescued me. We are staying at her beautiful house. It is the best, cleanest, organized house I have seen thus far. She is exactly what I needed.

I did the wifely thing and planted a little seed with her while Helio was out looking for our friends. She started asking me about immigration and what is happening as she isn’t getting all the answers she is looking for from Helio. I, of course, started crying. It was just being around someone that cares for Helio like a mother and not because of all the things I have said. She has her own relationship with him regardless of me. I told her about how he is living and what the conditions are like. She kept saying, “I have asked him to stay with us over and over, I call his dad’s house and his girlfriend gets mad but I don’t care, he is my son” She does sincerely love him and wants to do everything in her power to help him. I am really hoping she leans on him after I leave to stay here. It is so nice and Helio needs some mothering. When he entered the room to go to sleep last night I could see a little brightness in him. I think he needs some parenting and someone to make a fuss over him.

Conchita and Solomon (her husband of 19 years) are so happy to have us here. He is actually very funny. I guess when I met them for the first time I was so wrapped up in getting married that I didn’t notice that. Conchita has made a plan for us for the next few days and totally has my interest in mind. She has made a point to make sure I never have to stay in Jona again. They both don’t say anything but they both think it is filthy and oppressive.

Conchita and Solomon are actually very well off here. Helio has always told me that but I haven’t really understood what he meant. They own a few rental properties and that store. They took us to eat at this ultra fancy posh golf course with all their friends today. It was such a weird contrast to be wearing the same dirty clothes for days to trying my best to get Levi to not act like a total maniac so I didn’t embarrass them. Conchita was actually trying to get Levi to use the proper hand when eating. Well then- Levi did a good job of behaving other than launching his truck behind him and it sailing through the air to fall over the balcony to the people eating on the lower level, that’s my kid.

When we got back from the golf course we walked around a bit, I bought a new hat, and we stopped in at a restaurant- that had a teacher. It was awesome. The teacher played with Levi and played games with him and other kids. We were able to sit as adults and visit without chasing after him. It was incredible. Mexico does understand kids and parenting, I really like that.

We went to the Lucha Libre last night. Yes, it is exactly like Nacho Libre and it was so weird to see it for real. They had the masks and the outfits. I have to say it was so cool to go but by the second match it got a little boring. We bought masks and posed for the camera then returned to Conchita’s to put Levi to sleep. We then sat on her roof terrace and visited until none of us could keep our eyes open. Helio says that Conchita is so happy that we are here as they have 2 spare rooms and nobody comes to visit. It so works for me. She wants to cook for us, gives me clean towels, and calls me hija (daughter) all the time. That is something I have struggled with in the past, like I said, she comes on strong but so did Helio- maybe it is just a Mexican thing. I prefer for people to be hestitant and a little rude at first. I need to warm up. She can call me hija as much as she wants. She has saved me down here.

I am off to find an Internet Café as yesterday they were supposed to be open but the guy who said they would open at 10 must have had too much tequila because he was a no show all day. Love you all, I will be back in action next Monday.

01.06.07 Day 19, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:57:00.001-06:00

It’s 8pm and Levi and I are sitting in a hotel room in Cuernavaca watching more cartoons in Spanish- tonight it is the Bernstein Bears, just all in Spanish. I lollygagged today at Playa Azul. I got up at 7:30 and went to the beach. Then I cooked myself in the sun again until I finally had to force myself out of a hammock to pack our bags again. (all of my clothes are so dirty and smelly, I have worn them all over and over and have washed a couple times- maybe I am a princess, I like clean clothes) We left Playa Azul with a reservation to return on Monday with Susan and Jonathan. We started out around 1pm which obviously, was not enough time to get Levi and me to Cuernavaca and Helio on a bus to pick up our friends in D.F. by 9:30. You just can’t tell what you are going to get for traffic here. The roads are so twisty, windy, and bumpy that is hard not to get car sick- especially when you are reading. I try to read because I can’t help but feel depressed when I see how trashed the country side is here.

By the time we arrived in Cuernavaca my efforts to remain clean after my shower just didn’t work. It took almost 6 hours to return to Cuernavaca when it should have taken between 4 and 5. Helio doesn’t want to use the air as he thinks he is going to catch his death by air conditioning and if Levi has a cough he totally blames it on that. So, we had to drive with the windows open which really doesn’t make a huge difference when you have to drive slowly through towns to get over the topes. Those topes are going to be the end of me.

Helio quickly parked the truck when we arrived and then we had to foot it about 15 blocks to his ex-step-mom’s boutique. He had high hopes that we could stay at her house. However, he hasn’t been able to get a hold of her one time since Levi and I have arrived (personally, I don’t think he has the right phone number). So there was a hotel across the street and near anger, sweating with a 40 pound backpack on my back and a 33 pound toddler on my hip, I just said, “I am staying there, I don’t care what happens” So, for $45, we are in a lovely hotel in downtown Cuernavaca and I feel sort of relieved to just have some Levi and I time, maybe I have just become too accustomed to single parenting. +I don’t think Helio is a good planner and it makes me mental. I am hoping that it is just something that everyone endures in their marriages but when I am sitting in silence allowing him to “figure it out” I repeat in my head “well, if I had figured this out, we would not be experiencing this”. Maybe I am just arrogant. We are NOT good candidates for The Amazing Race, we would probably be disqualified for vulgarity and evil looks.

I can’t believe that we will be boarding a plane in about a week. It seems to have gone by quickly and then also, it seems to have been a long time since I was worrying about the bandits in my back alley trying to break into my car. (let’s be honest, I still lay in bed and worry they are breaking into my car and that my tire is flat and that there will be 6 feet of snow in my driveway when I get back and I will have to shovel it all before I get to work on Monday) But, Staring at the Sea as The Cure says, it just so amazing. It will be sad to leave.

I am so excited for Susan to come. I am sure I will have lots of good pictures to send home and some good stories too. I am also happy to spend a little time in Cuernavaca. After Levi and I brought our backpack up to the room we walked around downtown a little. It is really pretty. We were here a week and a half ago but I didn’t have a lot of leisure time. It is lovely here, sort of reminds me of what I have seen in movies of a small little town in Italy. There were all sorts of vendors- food, jewelry, kid’s toys, etc. and entertainers such as fire jugglers and the like in the huge open courts they have down here. It is beautiful. I was sort of complaining that I didn’t want to leave Playa Azul yesterday but I think it is good to hang here until we go back on Monday. My skin could use a rest from the biting ants and the sun.

Bless the people in Chilpancingo, they have McDonalds. When we pulled into the parking lot Levi started jumping up and down in the car. He and I stood out so much in the kids play area. It actually made me feel super uncomfortable. That and the extremely loud Mexican version of “So This is Christmas” playing on the loud speaker. There was a loop of like 5 traditional American Christmas songs blasting in Spanish the whole time we were there, while they might have the right songs, I don’t think that they know that the day after New Year’s, the holiday season is kaput in the states, I think they should take suit, be done with it already. I felt like everyone was watching my little blonde kid running through the play area and I felt a little protective. I have the crazy irrational mother instinct of someone is going to swipe him up in a flash and he will be gone forever. If I could put a leash on him, I would.

To get directions Helio stops anyone within ear shot on the street and first yells something like “Primo” (cousin), “Hermano” (brother) “Cuate” (friend)- depending on his/her authoritative look and his mood, he determines how close he and the stranger really are. I see how so many of his habits that sort of embarrass me at home have been birthed. Here, I guess you have to yell out the window to get directions without stopping- we usually come to a slow roll but he gets his directions and then we are off. He has no problem stopping an Army official to ask for directions or where a certain restaurant is. All with his huge riffle and his hard hat (really that has to be so hot in the sun). With those guys, he usually uses “Primo”, I think he just wants to be related to someone that does something other than cook chickens or lay in a hammock.

I need a pedicure so badly. My feet are so dry and cracked from walking around without shoes. (I know, rough life) I need a buff and a polish and feel so guilty that I think of it like 50 times a day when Helio is trying to figure out how to live on $300 until he finds some sort of income. Part of me thinks “well, you really should have done something about that before you were left with $300” and the other part of me feels really bad for him. I just want him out of this country and home where he belongs. He is so ready. Sometimes when he isn’t around, I just start crying about it. He is just so different because of this experience. He lost his drive, his spark, and his interest. There isn’t anything to strive for down here. I understand why people just don’t try, what is there to try for? The country is just such a mess and I feel like all those people who are risking their lives sleeping for weeks in the desert along the border in hopes that some “coyote” can get them over are just hoping for more in a place where they can actually get more. Those are the people with ambitions, drive, and hope.

I figured out I lost one of my journal entries from the first of January. That makes me sad because I am such a space case I can’t remember what I said but I thought it was interesting.

01.06.07 Day 18, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:55:00.000-06:00

The good things about Mexico are the following:
1. Most refrigeration is turned up too high so when you crack open a diet coke, you get a little frost for your first few drinks, it is a great treat.
2. Raw salt from the sea. It is so good and natural.
Limes, lots of good, juicy fresh limes, not just a dried up brown slice of lime that you get in the U.S., this is serious business down here and you gets lots, usually they bring you a full plate full.
3. You kind of get over yourself here, there are lots of ugly, fat people walking around; so you don’t feel like a whale when you wear a two-piece. I have met a handful of people for the first time here in a bathing suit which is totally not something I would do at home. I am not looking forward to heading back to reality on my swim suit attire when I return.
4. Learning not to worry about Sheraton, it took me until week three, but it finally happened for me, again, I am not looking forward to that mess when I return.

Mexico will sell you anything, they package up used batteries and sell them for 10 pesos a piece ($1). They put them in a little baggie and sell them right back to people. My camera keeps dying here, I think it is the heat, so when I went last night for batteries I had to ask the 8 year old behind the counter running the till not only the price per battery but also it comes in a factory direct package. I struck a deal there, probably the only one I have thus far in my Mexico trip.

Palm trees lean towards the ocean, if you are lost and you are trying to get to the ocean, you just have to drive in the direction of which way the palm trees are leaning.

You can burn the shells of coconuts after you have sucked out all the juice from them. Lots of people down here drink coconut juice with some sort of liquor in it that I have never heard of- Helio says that the dried coconuts make good kinling and they are supposed to be great to cook with on your indoor/outdoor grill. Many homes close to the ocean have piles and piles of them outside in their yard. I wouldn’t want to look at heaps of dried up coconuts every morning over my grape nuts but then again I , often times, have three cars in my yard to look at each morning on my way out.

We made it back to Playa Azul on Friday. We were greeted with such warmth and kindness. Levi has made us regular celebrities. It took us nearly four hours to return here so as Helio was trying to see if a room was available I threw all my normal American rules out and put my kid and myself in their pool. I didn’t know if we would be able to stay or if I would get yelled at but we were both dripping (literally) with sweat that I just didn’t care. Levi, finally, woke back up. I found the cold medicine I packed “just in case” and gave him some as we drove out of Zihuatenejo as he was mental from his cold. I nearly had to ask Helio to pull over to throw up on our return trip. I had two coffees in the morning bc I could, and there was coffee to be purchased, the roads are twisty/windy up the mountain to get back, and I thought that I had given Levi too much cold medicine as he was out cold in the back seat. Luckily, it was just a mixture of the bad experience we had just endured in Ixtapa/Zihuatenejo, the heat, and the meds. He is totally fine now.

As Levi and I were swimming in the pool, the staff ladies yelled down to him by name, “Hola Levi, gracias que regresaste” (hi Levi, thanks for coming back) The people around here want to touch his hair. He works it- He gets a sucker from all pretty near every place we stop and there is an old lady sitting in a chair. Her payback is to be able to touch his hair. It is pretty funny.

The residents of the neighboring town to Playa Azul honestly receive their daily ration of water delivered via horse drawn cart. The horse pulls a cart with a big metal tub of water behind it. The shirtless guy manning the cart then stops at each house and uses a big hose to fill up what I can only assume is something similar to the baptismal pool in Jona.
There is only one kind of gas station here, Pemex. Helio says that businesses here don’t have competition, creating a monopoly for whichever type of commerce you want to go into. The phones are the same way, only Telcel. You know the Mexican government gets a big chunk of their profit, Mexico is so messed up.

I laid in that gross hotel room last night and tried to watch a little news via Spanish/Mexican translation. I saw a clip of something happening on the senate floor. Honest to God, I teared up when I saw the American flag behind the person who was speaking. I have never experienced that in my life. I wouldn’t consider myself this big patriot but when you are deprived of your country for a month (yes, by choice) you start to see the beauty of the United States. I know there is so much bad happening at home, but I just want to be back there. As much as I want that, I am sure I will be totally depressed once I am stuck wearing multiple layers and have to walk those three stinking blocks from the parking ramp to the office. (I hate that walk and it is so much worse when the wind rips through you, thank God for the genius of Apple and their Ipods)

There is a store here on Playa Azul called Jesus y Edgar. I can’t help but silently giggle every time I see it. You would think I would be used to that by now, maybe I am just extremely immature.

01.04.07 Day 17, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:54:00.000-06:00

Ixtapa/Zijuatenejo not my favorite place. As we arrived, I felt great relief in the site of multiple story buildings and large graphically composed billboards but as we got into the city and had to interact with the locals, I felt that I was going to start throwing punches. I am so tired of people trying to take advantage of us and myself especially since I am a gringa. You know what buddy- I understand every word you are saying and I know you are not nice. Don’t try to get one more peso out of me.

Helio, of course, did not make a reservation in Ixtapa although that has been the plan for like 3 months that we would go there after the New Year when the prices dropped. (he must have been busy) Well, the prices did not drop and the people didn’t go home. There was some random dude standing on the side of the road trying to hustle Helio into renting a room above Domino’s Pizza for $130. All the other hotel rooms were booked. We tried a few hotels ourselves to make sure and there wasn’t a space available. Mind you during our hunt I had a drippy nose kid sweating in what I swear is 150 degrees down here. And those who tell you “it’s not hot in Mexico bc it is dry heat”- they are liars, it is tropical, greasy and plain icky after a while. As we were leaving Playa Azul, the 5 people who we picked up on our way out to drop at the neighboring town kept saying, “oh you are hot bc you took a shower today, that always makes it more hot” What? I did indeed take a shower and I stood in that shower for like 15 minutes not knowing when the next one would come.

I thought we were going to make it off the island quickly and bc I was feeling a bit crabby with Helio was trying to wait out his goodbyes in the car- sweating. But then he returned and said, everyone is asking for Levi and wants to say goodbye to him. Thus, I had to go say goodbye as well. I was embraced by a few women and children I had no idea who they were, beautiful when you are slimy and they are slimy. Then to my great stress Helio announced we are going to take these three women and these couple kids to the next town. I had to turn around, I nearly started something with him right there. I think I muttered something out loud like “oh dear Lord” and rolled my eyes, I think it was obvious. Then as I tried to cram myself and Levi into the front seat and the five of them in the backseat with all my stuff, they went on and on about the seafood on the island. They asked if I had the shrimp there, I hadn’t. They then shoved one of the two bowls they had with them in my face and offered the spicy smelling shrimp they were bringing along. I declined. The other bowl had cut up raw fish in it. It smelled great in the truck after that.

I had a meltdown when we finally made it to a hotel in Zihuatenejo. It looked like the kind of hotel room that I imagine when I am reading books and people have lost all their money and are hitting bottom. Everything was made out of concrete, the bed base, the dresser, the closet, the walls- the window frame was painted on. I thought we had to pay $100 for that and when Helio said it was actually $130 I had him march right down there and ask for our money back. Of course, we didn’t get it. But I made them give us another room as our air didn’t work, there wasn’t an outlet for my big box fan I have been toting along, and we were put in a room with a huge neon sign of the balcony that said “Hotel Zihuatenejo”. The saddest thing about going to Ixtapa is that I am sure that it would be a great place to visit- with a freaking Reservation! I felt so relieved for like 20 minutes and then my world came crashing down on me. I am sure there was a McDonald’s there and I didn’t get any. I will have to wait until I get back to Minnesota or maybe there will be some in Cuernavaca. We are going there on Saturday and going back to Playa Azul on Monday.

After I called my mom and bawled my eyes out, I found an Internet Café. (I really do feel bad, I sat down on the bed, grabbed the clean towel that was left for showering, put it over my face and sobbed, Levi didn’t know what to do, he started crying too and I just couldn’t stop) Levi is so sick and very difficult to deal with bc of all his cold drainage, heat, and travel time in the car. I really feel bad for him. I discovered that indeed my friend Susan from London got her passport back from the London government, they had to renew it. She and Jonathan, her English boyfriend, are coming. In a way, I guess I did hit bottom in a seedy hotel, like so many novels I have read. I lost it and then found my friend Susan who is going to come and fill out my whole next week. She is amazing and so low key (we are total opposites on the hyper spectrum) she will be great to spend time with. We have been friends for like 15 years, she is the one who was our chaperon when Helio and I started dating and translated for us, and was in our wedding. So our plan is (bc I finally made a plan, I can’t take Helio’s aloofness anymore- or maybe a better word is footloose) We will go back to Playa Azul today (Friday) and either sleep in the car, at Bebo’s mom’s house, or in the hotel, then to Cuernavaca for Saturday and Sunday, then to Playa Azul for a couple days with Susan and Jonathan. Then to Jona for a couple days, on to D.F. for Friday- and then Sunday morning Levi and I board the plane for home. It makes me sad to leave Helio and the sun, but I can’t wait to just have a computer/internet at my disposal (Mexico doesn’t have three way plug outlets, so another tip, if you are traveling with a laptop, bring a plug to charge anything that may need it) and eat anything that is not wrapped in a tortilla.

01.03.07 Day 16, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:53:00.000-06:00

You know how sometimes you try to make a moment out of nothing and other times you try to downplay a moment because you don’t want to cry. It is so hard here to not be swept up with emotions, especially when you realize you are just one person standing on an enormous beach and there are fish way bigger than you right out there. It is truly amazing.

There are wild animals all over the place down here. I have seen the following animals just wandering around without an owner, pigs, roosters, dogs and cats of course, cows, and horse drawn carriages. I have seen horses tied up to the front porch of a couple houses here. The house may be falling down but they have a horse to high tail it out of there.

We went for a boat ride in Bebo’s uncles ferry is what I would call it. Bebo and his family live next door to the hotel where we are staying. His wife’s family lives down stream. So we were happily swimming at the hotel when I heard Bebo yelling to Helio from the back fresh water. He wanted us to go with to drop off 2 of his 3 kids so they could go to the fair. I refused at first as there weren’t any life jackets and the boat looked like something I have seen in cartoons or movies. It had a thatched roof made out of palm branches. On the side it says “Gracias a Dios” Thanks to God. On the inside I kept staring at this little painting that said, Jesus en ti confio- Jesus in you I trust. That made me feel a little worried on our way out but I finally got comfortable. Levi has no fear, he wanted to sit up in the front of course. He loves adventure. Helio had him posing like dude in Titanic on our way back. It was actually pretty funny.

On our way back from dropping off Bebo’s kids- we picked up a few other people. Two of which were pretty handicapped. One, I couldn’t figure out if he/she was a boy/girl and the other was in a wheelchair. Helio of course was right there in the water to help get that guy in the boat. (he had the bushiest eyebrows I have ever seen in my life- I would have taken a picture but I didn’t want to be that obvious)

It is so sad to see how people regard this country. They throw trash wherever they feel like it. When Bebo had to fill up the tank with gas he just threw the empty container into the river afterwards. The whole river is covered in trash and it is so sad. There is such natural beauty here and the people just don’t care to take after it.

Levi fell asleep at Bebo’s house in a hammock. I thought had completed the task of getting Levi to fall asleep in the hammock but Bebo’s wife went in to tie it up. It was genius. I don’t have a hammock like this one but it is nylon and really big. Of course their whole house is made out of concrete block walls and a concrete floor. So what they do to make sure their kids don’t fall out is they tie up the top so they can’t get out. I am so going to look for one of these hammocks while we are down here. It is like they are packaged fish in a net swinging in there but wow, I didn’t worry for a moment that he was going to fall out. It was great. For some reason the people here are enamored with Levi. Bebo’s wife kept going into swing him back and forth. At one point she was cooking, dancing with her birthday husband, watching after her 1 year old, taking care of her nephew, and swinging my kid in their hammock. Very talented lady and she can’t be older than 28.

When we were walking back from Bebo’s concrete house last night I thought I saw a dog out of the corner of my eye- I am a little afraid of the dogs down here, you know they haven’t had their rabies shots. Ah, nothing to fear, that is just a couple of wild pigs sleeping in that bush, not dogs. See pictures.

I have a serious tan now. While sitting on the beach, a lady with a basket balanced on her head stopped and sold me for $2 crema de tortuga, Cream of Turtles, 100% authentic. I was hesitant at first but I smelled it- it wasn’t awful. I slathered it all over my reddish skin and now, no sting and all brown.

We are on our way to Ixtapa today. I must get my things together and put on a tank top, this sweatshirt, not the thing for the beach.

01.02.07 Day 15, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:51:00.001-06:00

I think it is near to impossible to be sitting by the ocean and feel any sort of angry, sad, dreary feeling. It is just so great here. Today we decided to stay again at the little hotel at Playa Azul. Levi is sick but it has been nothing too major. It is such a great feeling to wake up in the morning and walk across the street to the ocean.

I have finished 3 of the 5 books I brought with me and am half way through the fourth. Helio thinks I am crazy as he has never read an entire book in his life. I read, Levi and Helio chase after people on the beach who have caught swordfish and pose with it like they caught it themselves. I didn’t realize that a swordfish is so blue. -Very pretty.

Our hotel room is sort of like a cave. I am really glad that I didn’t make Helio take us somewhere else though. The whole trip here I kept hearing myself repeat in my head, “I hate Mexico” and now that we have arrived here at Playa Azul I really don’t think that anymore. I love it here and wish we could have stayed here the whole time. I see why some people give up their whole lives to just go a be shore men. I guess I kind of understand Hemmingway now. I still don’t like any of his writing, but I do like the ocean and this sort of life. Although, I still have to say, it seems like people have nothing to do here and just lay in hammocks and wait for people to come by for them to talk to. I prefer to be a little busier than that.

I got comfortable with our hotel room and then when we returned from three hour favor of driving to pick up a friend’s wife from work it was dark. The electrical pole that is right outside our room was sparking- our roof is made out of dried palm branches. When Helio asked me what are you staring at as I was frozen in my tracks staring up at the potential source of the end of my life, I just pointed up. He went to talk to the hotel staff about it and of course came back from his conversation, reporting, “they say, that it always does that, not to worry, nothing will happen” You would never get away with something like that back home. I will be happy to be back in the land of code regulation and common sense in a couple weeks.

Helio has a family friend who lives here on what I would call an island. His name is something but I don’t remember- they call him Bebo. On one side of the strip of land the hotel is on, there is the ocean, on the back side is what they call Agua Dulce- freshwater. They fish for shrimp there. It is beautiful at night and I never want to go back to Jona. It is so gross and dirty there. Bebo is a fisherman. He sleeps in a hammock in the day and waits until it is dark to go out and fish by moonlight. These are not ordinary fisherman, they don’t use a motor on their boat, they use paddles. They also don’t use fishing poles, they use nets. The boats are super low to the water and I refuse to “try it out” as I have been asked. I keep remembering a story my mom told me about how she was somewhere in Mexico and in order to get to a different location they had to take a boat and she saw her life flash before her eyes during that ride. I don’t want to have a similar experience.

Helio was so smart and brought the coffee pot with on our new “Travel Mexico” trip. It is the one thing that brings some sort of familiarity to my day. That coffee pot has seen its travels, starting all the way from
Walgreens on Hiawatha.

I finally got full and had a hot shower. While day dreaming in the first hot shower of course my mind made the parallel of full belly and a hot shower, finally, it is almost like I have been in jail for the last couple weeks. Not anymore, now I am living in paradise, the name of the hotel tells me so- Paraiso, Playa Azul.

Our bathroom is a toilet on one wall and a shower spicket on the opposite wall. I am so so happy to have a hot shower that I think that I have taken the longest showers I have ever had in my life. When I am standing in the hot stream I can’t help but think of the water pulling the caulk up around the toilet, but I don’t have to live here, so I will just continue to shower and let the water pool around the toilet.

12.31.06 Day 13, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:50:00.002-06:00

New Year’s was of course a bust as well. We went swimming again at Atotonilco which was fun. Levi loves to swim and is so good at sharing with other kids- toys and things like that. I am always so proud when there is a little kid screaming because they are afraid of the water and my kid is trying to either comfort him/her or jump off the deep end. We came home and had a long nap. The water and sun do that to a two year old. We then went over to Jose Luis/Rafa’s parent’s house. The outdoor courtyard there is great but that is about it. The inside, I don’t want to spend any time in there. We then went home to what I thought was the end of the day. Jose Luis and Raul came over for a little bit and when we were sitting at the table I thought I heard fireworks going off. I tried to tell Levi that was the case and Raul and Jose Luis started laughing, saying, no those are gun shots. I guess it is Mexican tradition to shoot off your pistol to bring in the New Year. They then went on to say how many people end up dead from stray bullets around this time of year. I then opted for bed- no need to get myself dead over a crazy Mexican tradition. I woke up about 45 minutes later to about 20 people sitting outside with Helio- that’s enough to make a mom crabby. I struggled all night after that to get Levi to sleep.

The bathroom stalls here are so super duper small. The Mexicans do not understand knee space. I literally have to sit on the toilet sideways in order to shut the half door when I try to use a public toilet. Mind you, there are not any toilet seats, but I think you all know that already. There is something very gross about sitting on the rim of a toilet. I guess the benefit of such a small toilet stall is you never have to guess if it is occupied, if it is- there are feet hanging out the bottom for sure.

We are supposed to start out Mexico tour tomorrow- Playa Azul, Acapulco, Puebla, D.F., I am so ready. I can’t stand sitting in Jona anymore. I have to say though, it has been nice having Jose Luis and Jodi around. We were able to talk for about an hour last night about how angry they were the whole time they were going through this immigration thing last year. Jodi said, “just think Manda, I know this means nothing now, but once he gets his papers, it is just over” I have known that but it just is such a foggy goal to aim for. You just never know when it is all going to be over. I never in a million years thought that when I married Helio and started the immigration process that it was going to be this hard. I expected it to be challenging but I did not think that the government would enforce us to be separated for over a year. That is enough to make one crabby all the time. When Helio left the driveway back in September, I guess it was better being delusional, I really thought he would be back in 4-6 months. When Levi and I return, it will only have been 2 actual months of our waiting process since his file wasn’t transferred until November. Regardless, I am going to start calling in February, which will be 4 months from his original appointment date.

12.30.06 Day 12, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:50:00.001-06:00

Yesterday morning (Friday) I had to go over to Helio’s aunt’s house for breakfast. They served pozole (chicken and hominy soup) and hamburgers for breakfast. My pozole is much better- greasier bc I use pork & chicken, for more flavor- there were 13 people for breakfast until the second wave of Helio’s family arrived which brought about 6 more people. That is a lot of people for a morning meal. When they asked me “Manda, do you want a hamburger” I nearly choked on my Coca Light. Thank God for Coca Light, without it, I would get nothing all day. The breakfast conversation consisted of two of Helio’s uncles trying to convince me to feed the meat of a parrot to Levi to get him to talk. As much as I appreciate their concern and that they are willing to offer their advice, it is not something that I am willing to feed my kid. When Tio Marcos arrived from the house next door, he had a wide open fly that was direct in my line of view as he approached the table to sit next to me and a bag diagonally strapped over his chest with a machete in it. Not sure what he needed it for, but he had a knife in case someone needed one.

I had a dream last night that I met Mark O’s little boy from Ethiopia. He liked to sing the itsy bitsy spider and was very sweet. I can’t wait to meet him.

The outlet plug-ins are super loose here. I can’t keep my computer plugged in let alone get a connection speed that works. I can’t wait to get back to modern technology.

Helio finally started to feel my pain with can’t really eat anything problem I am having. He decided that we would go to Cuautla last night for a real dinner. So, I banked on it all day. When we finally got to Cuautla last night, Helio couldn’t find the seafood restaurant that makes Mojarras (which I love, it is a deep fried sea bass that you put salt, lime, and Valentina hot sauce on, super good with tortillas, rice, and beans) He thinks they closed the restaurant. So, he said, ah, they have great pizza at this place- not the case. The pizza down here is awful. They don’t put sauce on their pizza. So our pizza was bread, with cut up hotdogs, pineapple, and what I think was mozzarella cheese. When we were waiting for our pizza, I noticed two different flavors of hot sauce on the table and a bottle of catsup (not Heinz). The folks here put ketchup on their pizza with hot sauce. I watched everyone in the restaurant do so. Gross- I asked for Parmesan cheese and the waiter looked at me like I was demanding and just shook his head, to me, meaning- lady, we don’t have that kind of stuff in Mexico, go back to where you came from gringa. If you go to Mexico- bring a sack lunch. It makes you very sad when you can’t eat for weeks at a time. Those of you at work- beware- I totally feel a need to cook a bunch when I return, just because I can. Funny, I never thought of myself as a food and beverage snob, here I appear to be a totally stuck up princess. Helio has to make excuses for me every time we are to eat with people he knows.

We are to go to Nancy’s house tonight for New Year’s Eve after we go swimming again at Atotonilco. I am hoping that Levi will be flexible and sleep at her house. It is just down the street from where we are. Helio says we are leaving on the 2nd and I am dying to do so. I want to go to a bigger city where at least they have a McDonald’s. In error yesterday I asked Levi if he wanted French fries, thinking we could get some when we went to Cuautla, he started jumping up and down. I need to find a McDonald’s for him, poor kid, he has a little of the Montezuma’s revenge as well, which is terribly gross for his mother.

I am praying that Helio moves to Cancun after we leave. Therefore, if we have to come down and visit again, we will be in a very tourist area with food options and a beach. They have to have a Starbucks there. I need some coffee.

12.29.06 Day 11, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:49:00.001-06:00

I had a terrible dream last night that Levi wasn’t really mine and I had to give him back. (He was actually Jackie Maher’s little boy, the Kohler rep) I was sobbing in my sleep and kept calling my mom to say, what do I do? Levi means everything to me. I think that being here in Jona makes me feel like I have nothing familiar and Levi is the only thing that keeps me feeling normal. (Him and my laptop) I am getting ready to blow this pop stand.

I think I passed the threshold from trying to be humored by this experience to crabby about it yesterday (Friday). I am sick of little kid birthday parties and stopping at everyone’s house to just say “hi”. There has to be more to a day than that. There is more to me than just producing children and watching them swat at a Paper Mache cartoon characters. I want to do something. I tried to explain to Helio that it isn’t everyone who gets to take a near month off from work and go sit in a foreign country. I want to take advantage of my time. I don’t mind doing nothing; let’s just go do it at the beach. I want to go shopping. Helio has a hard time even giving me pesos to buy a diet coke with. (Coca light) I am going to confiscate the money that I had him recently take out of the account and hold on to it. I am sick of asking and being given a lecture every time I spend money about how long that could last him vs. me wanting to buy more soda. I keep telling him, people here may be poor but we are not poor. He doesn’t see it that way.

We went to Andrea’s (Rafa’s youngest) birthday party last night. The piñata was twice the size of Levi. Levi was a bit nutty the whole time because his mom didn’t think ahead and give him something to eat before we went. He yelled and ran around during the pallasos (clowns) skit. I get so uncomfortable when my kid just won’t behave like all the other kids especially when we are the only 2 gringos in the group and the clowns continue to say to my kid “seintense guero” (sit down whitey). We were told to arrive at 5 but of course the party didn’t get started until 6:30 and they didn’t eat until 7:30. He was so hungry that the soupy tamales they served were just fine by him. I nearly started crying. I just want a regular plate of food where it tastes good, was prepared hygienically, and I get full, preferably with a great cup of coffee and a to-die-for dessert after dinner. I haven’t had a meal in who knows how long. I literally had tears well up in my eyes when they brought me my plate of soggy tamales, a small bun with something that tasted like tuna on it, Jell-O (the hard kind made from scratch, not the Bill Cosby Jell-O) and wet cake that sort of looked like hosed down tiramisu after it sat on my plate for a while. The only thing I have eaten for the past couple days is buttered noodles with parmesan cheese and orange juice, and those are things I look forward to. I just want some food and I don’t want to get sick from it.

Helio has become crabby with me and has taken to calling me a “Reina” -queen. I am really trying to make do here but this feels crazy. I have had 1 hot shower since I arrived, I am hungry, I feel like I am constantly at a family party, I haven’t had a moment alone with Helio and haven’t had this much time to parent Levi since he was an infant. I am glad to have the time with Levi but when he wants to run all over and not listen, I just want to bring him to daycare and go to work. Does that make me the world’s worse mom? I am sure that many people talked about us after the birthday party last night and I hate that. You are just put so on display and I am so tired of it. -Especially the women. Jodi and Jose Luis were there and they kept trying to tell me that things were fine; they just don’t have a super active 2 year old and a husband who thinks that it is fine to let him stand up on the chairs and stick his fingers in the cake before it is cut.

Well- I am off to try to get a better attitude about things. Maybe if I had some me time and a little bit of privacy I could turn this boat around?

12.28.06 Day 10, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:48:00.001-06:00

We went swimming in the morning at Atotonilco and then came back to the house around 1. I was done with the water and a bunch of Mexican men staring at me. I am not even that good looking. I think it is just because my hair is not black and I turn red in the sun- very attractive. When we returned to the house I slept for two hours with Levi. I didn’t sleep well in the hotel. As I was trying to fall asleep in the hotel (without my fan) I counted 5 different dogs barking, some of which were in the hotel rooms flanking ours. And then at 7 am the roosters start from neighboring houses and loud speaker with a woman announcing all the things you can buy- sort of reminded me of a concentration camp.

I have decided that if I were stranded on a desert island and I was able to have one thing, I would want to bring Helio. He knows how to do anything without the proper tools. He opened a can of spaghetti sauce today with a knife. He also is not afraid to take a few electric shocks in the interest of dry clothes. He is extremely resourceful and pleasant to people he doesn’t know. In other words, he knows how to work people for what he wants. If I could take two things, the second would of course be a good tube of lipstick.

Levi has cuts all over his body. I fear he will contract some crazy virus because he has so many open spots on his legs and arms for some sort of bug or infection to take affect. He falls down a lot and it is often times on concrete. I am sure I will use the whole tube of Neosporin that I have in my bag before we get home.

I am getting really good at this doing laundry by hand thing. I don’t feel like a good sport about it though. I started doing the laundry at 3pm and finished up at 6:30 and still had a few more articles to wash. I ran out of places to hang it all. When Helio’s aunt stopped by I had to ask Helio to repeat himself when he said “you like to do the laundry like that don’t you babe” with a positive nod encouraging me to say “yes, love, I think this is fabulous” I didn’t answer like that and I think his Aunt thinks I might be a bit prissy. She offered her washing machine at her house but that would require my hanging out all day waiting for the wash with all their birds and the many, many Santa Clauses that have a button to push and a song to sing- Levi can’t leave them alone.

Jose Luis and Jodi were to have arrived in Mexico on the 28th. Friday (29th) is a party for one of Rafa’s girls- a birthday party. I am sure we will see them there. (Rafa and Jose Luis are brothers) It will be nice to speak English with someone. It would be even better to spend time with someone that would giggle in the corner with me about this whole deal.

It finally happened, I have been acting all “brave” and all and not wearing shoes in the morning when I get up to go make coffee- This morning (Friday) as I was stumbling around in the kitchen I stepped right on a cockroach. Thank God I had socks on but I can’t get rid of that sensation. I keep hearing the crunch and feeling the wet goo that squeezed out of him. Ick. (when I tried to share this story he was not impressed, he said, “honey, it’s normal to step on cockroaches” My response- NO IT’S NOT, who wakes up in the morning and steps on cockroaches?) Maybe it is bc I couldn’t sleep last night that my attention was elsewhere. I am hoping that the sleeping spell I have been under since I arrived has not been broken; I was up all night thinking about home and wondering how we are going to make this work when Levi and I return to the US. (I finally had to get up and take a sleeping aid) There are many things to look forward to like windows that have either a screen or a glass pane in it and not just a cut out in the wall, more than one channel on the television that is NOT children’s programming and a home security alarm but without Helio- such a paradox.

Until later-

12.27.06 Day 9, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T20:45:00.000-06:00

We stayed at the hotel at Atontonilco so that Levi could swim and then take a nap without leaving the grounds. Really- I just wanted a hot shower. So we paid $90 for a hotel room that had a double bed for the three of us, a bathroom that reeked of that nasty blue thing that you hang in the toilet that makes the water blue and disinfects, really the whole room smelt like that, a cute little balcony, a swimming park for two days, and three meals for two.

The first meal- holy smokes, see pictures, lunch was the following: a coptel de huevos (egg cocktail), the bottom of the glass was filled with iceberg lettuce hearts and on top was a quartered boiled egg and some sort of salsa/ketchup goo. Delish- Then, the main course- cabbage soup, and what they called spaghetti, I didn’t even attempt the spaghetti, it was a white something sprinkled with dried cilantro and shaved white cheese. Dinner was a little better, tostadas de tinga. I ate one. Breakfast was papaya (which I have already established, I refuse to eat) cecina and tortillas, perfect, I got a few bites out of that. However, when I sent Helio for coffee he came back with Sanka. I took a drink from the hotel bed and nearly had to spit it on the floor. The Mexicans don’t understand coffee. The first thing I am going to do when I get back to work is walk across the street and get the biggest latte I have ever had in my life. I am dying for a good cup of coffee. I haven’t had one in over a week. Maybe when we go to Acapulco next week they will have a Starbucks, you would think I would be able to find one down here but have not had such luck.

Another thing the Mexicans don’t have- paper. Nobody writes. Because we were at the hotel I didn’t have my laptop and while Levi was taking a nap I wanted to write a few things down. He came back with a 2” x 5” piece of cardboard he ripped off from a toilet paper box. So, the biggest complaint I have had about hotels back home is all the paperwork all over the dresser and desk. Not to worry in Mexico- they don’t have that sort of thing here, not even a pen to take a note down on your palm.

If you are going to play Mexican for a month, you must get used to salt and lime. Mexicans put it on everything, maybe they do that to kill the bacteria that is in the food they leave just sitting out on the counter all day. I like salt and lime but I find that by the end of the day, my hands are totally swollen. Helio has made me totally paranoid that someone is going to try to steal my ring off my hand while I am down here, I don’t think that is possible as my hands are so swollen.

There were a bunch of little open market stands near the swimming grounds that I tried to find another swim suit at. I was looking for something with a smaller top so I could sun myself more + they were only like $12/pc. I had to ask Helio to come with me to try one on. This lady led me to the back of her store to a little closet. The closet had a shower curtain strung up with a rope and a plastic crate to stand on I guess if you were short and couldn’t make it up to the mirror (it wasn’t full length) She then proceeded to open the curtain and give me more options, when I had no clothes on. Maybe she wanted to just see a gringa without her shirt on or something but she offered a little too much service for my taste.

The words for comb, peine, and for penis, pene, are very similar, use caution when asking for a comb and especially if you ask- “Do you have a comb I could use?” That phrase right there can raise a few eyebrows. When I was in the shower at the hotel, I asked Helio that very question. The shower was right along the main corridor for people to walk to their rooms and there were two cut outs in the wall to the exterior- I assume for ventilation. I am sure that sounded interesting to the passersby.

Ok, off to wash a bunch of clothes- again. I am so ready for my washing machine and fabric softener. My big fluffy sweatshirts are not so fluffy when you have to hang them in the sun to dry.

12.26.06 Day 8, Mexico trip 1

2008-11-18T14:59:00.002-06:00

We drove into Cuernavaca yesterday; it was sort of a bust. We did see Miriam (his ex- step-sister that I have a hard time liking, she is just so lame) His Ex-Step-Mom was in Puebla so we weren’t able to see her (no problema for me, I have a hard time liking her too) So we walked around the city. I saw a police truck pass us with like 4 police officers driving in the cab and I swear 30 uniformed officers packed into the pickup bed, loaded with riffles and everything. I don’t know how people don’t die all over the place down here. Nothing is safe and there are people/cars everywhere. (and garbage, really, I think Mexico needs a government program to clean up the roads, why not use inmates like they do in the U.S.? I think that is an excellent idea, Mexico Limpio, Clean Mexico could be the campaign, it is so sad to see how much trash is just laying around everywhere) I laid in my hammock last night outside in the courtyard and thought, man, it would really be hard to get away with crime down here like- robbery or killing someone, there are people everywhere, and where you don’t see them, you can hear them.

Don’t ride for an extended period of time in a car with a papaya that has been cut open, they smell like puke- enough said. (They taste like yack as well)

A sight I have seen a lot of while traveling down these freeways are old men and their machetes. I also saw the machete that Antonio cuts his yard with just laying in the grass when we went over the other night. I think people here need storage sheds to put all their crap in that nobody really wants to see. And why do men need to carry a machete when they are traveling down the road trying to hitch a ride? I would think that would make it more difficult to find one. I certainly would not pick up an old drunk Mexican and his artillery.

I met another one of Helio’s uncles yesterday- it is Marcos’s father. He lives in the house where his Aunt just died, obviously, he was married to her. He is indeed a very funny man. He is like Marcos when Marcos has had a couple beers- I don’t know if he was drunk, but he certainly acted super ultra happy, maybe he is medicated due to his loss. Levi and Helio walked over there the other day when I wasn’t with and found a remote control car on top of their fridge. Levi knew where it was and wanted to play with it again. He brought it into the other room and went to it. However, I am an American mother who is concerned when there are burning candles all over the floor- They are holding vigil for his Aunt’s passing, equipped with La Virgin statues, a little table full of knick knacks, and candles all over. I thought that was over after 9 days or something but I guess not. Helio’s family thinks I am a bit hyper when it comes to watching Levi- I am told often, oh, don’t worry, there is a gate and there are other kids out there, he’s fine. I don’t know, I just can’t let go that much. I made it back into the kitchen at Tio Marcos’s house (Marcos was obviously named after his father) where China (Jhoseline’s mother) was making breakfast. She is still here from the funeral. She wanted us to eat as well. Uh- no, that kitchen was so freaking gross. I swear, it needs more than a few wipe downs. It was filthy. On one side of the kitchen, a hutch with a small table in front and then perpendicular to that, a sink and stove, on the other side, another hutch. On the opposite end of the long galley like kitchen, the bedroom of his now deceased Aunt. At first I thought it was bunk beds but it was a bed with a full size hammock above it and an open closet at the head of the bed. I don’t think I could ever get used to living like that. It was worse than what my Grandma used to do to her apartment. It was crazy.

I slept like 10.5 hours last night. I went to bed around 9 and slept until 7:30 in the morning. Wow, how will I ever get back to a normal working life when I get back? I was laying there thinking last night, we aren’t even half way through this mess and don’t really have a plan of when we will see each other next. That is very dreary. I really hope something miraculous happens. This sort of scenario just isn’t right.

We are off to swim again at Atotonilco. We are planning to stay at the hotel there so that we can swim and sleep at our leisure. I want to finish my book and move on to the next one- big goals. I love you guys and wish so much that you were here with us, we need company, we have run out of things to say.

12.25.06 Day 7, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T14:58:00.000-06:00

Christmas did pass under the radar this year but I think it is exactly what I needed. I think Helio needed the same. The more I am here the more we talk, and get real about things. That is really good. We had a long talk on the way back from Cuatla last night. We went there in the evening looking for something to do. We really just laid around all day yesterday. I am totally getting into this Mexican lifestyle. When I am home and away from him I feel so desperate and that this is never going to work. When I am here I still understand those feelings but realize honestly, nobody knows me better than him. I forget to give him credit for that. It is amazing sometimes. He can tell me how I would react to something before it even happens and then when it happens, that is exactly how I react. He is a smart man. Mom’s advice to me about how he doesn’t want to own anything down here because he wants to leave at a moment’s notice is so true and has helped me tremendously. He talked about that last night. He has told me over and over again how he doesn’t want to live here and that he just wants to be with his son, his family, and sleep in his own bed. I get it now. I brought our old cordless phone down with me, hopefully this will help him talk to us. Currently, he has to sit in the room with his dad and dad’s girlfriend and has no privacy. Now, he can go sit outside by the roosters if he wants.

Helio bought us a hammock yesterday on the way to Elis’s house. That is Alan’s wife. I finally met her and my nephew Juan. Juan looks totally like Alan. He was very kind to Levi and followed him everywhere. I could see a little fondness in his eyes when he would look at Levi. I think they have all talked about him. Juan doesn’t say much but he is so well behaved and has such a sweet manner. I think he is going to be tall like Alan. I feel awful that I didn’t have a present for him. Helio told me over and over not to bring him one and said that we would bring him to the Zoo when we go. I think the little kid needs so good American toys from his American Aunt. As we left, we walked down to the yard where he keeps his Chivos (sheep) so that he could show Levi. They were gone; I think someone took them to eat somewhere (maybe tacos?) or something. Juan proceeded to show him his gallinas (female roosters) Levi had no fear. He was right in the coop with Juan and held the rooster. All I could think of is BIRD FLU. I did my best not to panic and let Levi have his moment with his cousin. Levi was so proud when he held the gallina all by himself. He loved it and I think Juan was impressed that his little gringo cousin liked his gallinas. Juan gave him a lasso to play with as we walked back to the car. His dad had to tear it from his hands; he didn’t want to give it back. I demanded that Helio wash his hands before we left, I just can’t have all those rooster germs all over. I kept thinking, that is a brand new shirt and you are putting rooster moogre (schmutz) all over it. I will do some washing, and then lay in my new hammock. I am so excited about that hammock.

I think we are going to Cuernavaca today. We have spent enough time in the small town. I think it is now time for us to run around and see some sights. However, we are trying so hard not to spend money. You need to spend money when you are away from home and we don’t have any.

12.24.06 Day 6, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T14:51:00.000-06:00

I did find my pan to cook lasagna in and spent the whole day about lasagna. Antonio and Antonia came over for dinner around 5 last night (they were supposed to be here at 4) and ate. Antonio had never had lasagna before. I sent some home with him. Then around 8 or so Rafa, Paloma, and their two girls came over, so did Nancy. I fed them all too. The pan I found to cook it in was big. I sent some home with Rafa and Paloma so that they can give some to her Aunts. They asked to “trae unos tacos parami que puedo probar” Bring some tacos home for me so that I can try. Paloma had to explain that they weren’t tacos- it was a plated dish. I am happy that there are people who request my cooking down here and don’t even know why. It makes me so happy when people eat what I cook. I don’t know if there could be a bigger compliment. (ok- you’re pretty comes in as a close second) Rafa said it is exactly as he remembered (I was missing a few ingredients like Ricotta cheese and spicey sausage, they couldn’t be found at the grocery store) He said, this is why I like you Manda- you cook. Gotta love that.

I have noticed that I am either really tall or the people down here do not consider knee height when building furniture. Most every time I sit down at a table or one of the little vanities that are here in the house, I crash my knees into them. It hurts. I have to remind myself, careful of the knees- Also, they do not consider passing traffic on sidewalks. Shoot, they barely care if there is a sidewalk there at all. The sidewalks are maybe 3’-6” wide and up tall off the road. So, if there is someone approaching you, you must step down into traffic to get around them. That is if you are able, there are often times cars parked up right against the sidewalk or on the sidewalk.

I have gotten used to bathing in a 5 gallon bucket. This is the favorite part of Helio’s day- He walks by and says “you looks so cute” I just ask him to leave. Levi on the other hand, does not like bathing in the bathroom with a 5 gallon bucket. It is a more pleasant experience if we put him in the sun to sit inside the bucket. He finds it to be a game then.

Today is Christmas- we aren’t doing anything. Helio wanted to open the three gifts we bought for one another last night after dinner. He bought me a scarf, gloves, a little wallet, and a portable mirror with a stand. I am very happy about the mirror. I have been putting my make up on in the dark- there isn’t good lighting next to the vanity- who knew. I think we will sit around the house, maybe I will sit in the sun. That is if my arms get better- I have one of those sun rashes up and down both arms. It looks and feels like my itchy elbow syndrome. Maybe I can sit in the sun but just wrap up my arms. I also burnt a bunch of my fingers AGAIN last night. I was trying to make tea for my sore throat and touched the ceramic cup and it was blazing hot. I burnt 3 fingers and had a hard time sleeping because they were throbbing so much. Helio wants to go to the Zoo today but I don’t think it will be open. He then suggested the Ruins but again, I don’t think they are open on Christmas and I don’t want to spend 3 hours driving to find out.

I don’t think that I want to spend Christmas in Mexico again. I know it is up to me to make it special but everything takes so much time to do. Plus, I can’t really cook anything because I don’t have the ingredients I need and it takes a full day to collect them all. I will just try to treat it like any other day. I sort of wanted Christmas to pass under the radar this year anyway.

Well, I am off to bask in the sun and read about the assassination of Lincoln (my book for book club this month) I love you both, Merry Christmas, I wish I was with you guys.

12.23.06 Day 5, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T14:49:00.001-06:00

We spent the whole day yesterday going from party to party. I needed to be driven home by 10:30 last night. I can only handle so much sitting around. Helio went back to Las Posadas and returned home about 1 last night. I seem to get a super sore throat and cough at night. Maybe it is true, when it gets cold you get sick. This is something that I have tried in earnest to convince Helio for years that it isn’t true. However, every night when it gets cold out, I feel like I have a terrible chest cold. We went to a Baptism party around 3:30 and stayed there until 6:30. The whole time I kept feeling like Levi had wandered away. He did make it down the street a couple times with Rafa’s two little girls, (who by the way look exactly like Rafa) to get candy. There are piñatas everywhere. It seems every place we go to there is a new one for Levi to lose his mind trying to get at. You would think he would bore of it after time. Not the case. The more he sees, the more he wants. The kids are showing him the ropes here, you break open the piñatas, get candy, then get the money, and buy more candy. There are little shops everywhere for a kid to get more candy. I have also given in, I keep giving him Coke to drink. There doesn’t seem to be many options and it makes him not yell. I am going to have to get back to vegetables and more nutritious drinks when I get back. Oh, who am I kidding, we all know my main objective every day is to prevent yelling.

There are two extra hours of sunshine a day here. It starts getting light out around 6:30 and stays that way until 6:30 pm. It is nice to have a little extra light. However, Levi is up at the crack of dawn every day. The regulars do not have a schedule such as this, they stay up super late, and I am sure are super irritated with Levi yelling “mom, mom, mom” all morning while they are trying to get their last couple of hours in.

Today is Christmas Eve. Helio says that Christmas is not a big deal here (which I find hard to believe, everyone is Catholic) We have invited his dad -Antonio and his dad’s girlfriend –Antonia to join us for lasagna dinner. I still have to locate all of the ingredients and a pan to cook it in. Man, everything down here is so much work. It will take an hour drive to the store and back and I hope they have everything I need. Otherwise I will just make spaghetti. I am giving Helio about 20 more minutes of sleep and then we are off to see if we can locate all we need for dinner. Christmas is very different this year.

I am surprised that I haven’t seen more bugs. I have only had to kill a couple cucarachas (cockroaches). No bugs in the bed, no big welts from being bitten. So far-

Everyone down here has some advice for you. It makes me nervous. I don’t like being stopped by old ladies and told “can I tell you something, or can I recommend that-“ Yesterday it was “recommended” to me that to prevent being sun burnt to slather myself in yogurt. Uh, no- won’t be doing that. And it was “recommended” that I drink some magic tea to help me with my American chorro (diarrhea) I won’t be drinking that either, who knows what is in it. I think that maybe if the food just was put in the fridge after it was prepared, I wouldn’t be so sick. It isn’t all for not- bc I can’t really eat the food, maybe I will finally lose that last 10 pounds. My recommendation- don’t look in the trash can in the bathroom stalls of a public restroom- I nearly threw up.

Levi has taken to watering the plants from the toilet. Whenever I catch him wandering around with a little plastic container filled with water, I realize the main water was left on to the toilet- The pump is broken so it doesn’t know when to stop filling, therefore, there is a little plastic container to catch the dripping on the floor under the tank. I have to turn off the water to the toilet after each use. Sometimes, I forget, especially when you wake up in the middle of the night. Oh, well, maybe the plants will grow a little more now that there is a toddler looking out for them.

Thank God for Elmo. I don’t know what I would do without that little dvd player and Elmo counting and talking about pets. I try to tell myself every day that this down quiet time is super good for Levi. Kids need to be bored- right mom?

Add to the list of things you can get road side- a casket- I will have to send a picture of the cute little casket shop down the street from where we are staying. Also, if your road side juice stand isn’t bringing in a profit, just put yourself out in the middle of traffic and hand it out to people. When we went in for groceries this morning, there was a woman standing in the middle of a four lane highway- soliciting freshly squeezed orange juice. Traffic was backed up a little because she had some takers. Note to self- do not be shy in the world of commerce, it gets you farther. On an aside- never in my life have I seen when you want to take your soda with you because you couldn’t finish it at dinner, that someone bags it up for you. Yes, bags it, you get the juice in a baggie with a straw popped in the top and the top tied up around it. Containers are a big commodity down here and people are not likely to give theirs up.

Ok, I am off- will write again soon.

12.22.06 Day 4, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T14:48:00.000-06:00

We nearly lost Helio AGAIN today due to a series of poor choices. We spent nearly 4 hours washing clothes today in the wash basin and realized we needed more cable to hang the clothes to dry on. So, as Levi played with the stroller and I continued to pound the clothes on the washboard, Helio located some extra metal cable. He also found a metal ladder. He found a good location to attach the cable to and put the ladder up. Because he had been washing clothes, his feet were wet. What he did not realize when he put the ladder up is that he put it against another cable that had an electrical current running through it. He stepped onto the ladder and couldn’t let go. The whole time I was standing right next to him and didn’t have any idea what was going on. Finally the current threw him from the ladder and he landed on the ground. Seriously, the man needs a lesson in electricity and it’s flow. -Yet another close one.

We drove into Cuatla yesterday to have dinner with his dad and his dad’s girlfriend. Talk about needing to be flexible. I am so super glad that I wasn’t there with anyone from work bc I would have totally busted a gut laughing at the whole scenario. On our way there, we had to drive through the city, and bc I am rested was able to pay attention to my surroundings. I actually saw a guy with his hatchback open to his car, full display of keys and a machine to cut them. I turned to Helio and asked, “is he seriously cutting keys out of the back of his car?” Helio’s response, “Well, like I told you honey, you can set up business anywhere you want here” Wow- Our dinner included getting out of the truck, watching the girlfriend hide, then nervously put dinner together for us, she wouldn’t eat. They brought out a small plastic table and nestled it between Antonio’s car and Helio’s truck. Then they shooed away Capitan throughout the meal. His left side was painted this crazy purple something to keep him from eating his open sore. That was very appetizing. We ate dinner out next to the chickens, roosters, and a myriad of birds. I had a hard time putting it down but did my best not to be rude. I think they liked me by the time we left. I tried to take photos, but everything was very socially awkward. I looked very strange in my sparkly shirt, earrings, and high heels. I think the shoe shining kit I bought Antonio for Christmas- not such a good idea, he doesn’t wear shoes.

There are these little crosses that people make and put on their doors and windows. Helio said that it is a Catholic thing that they believe that one day of the year (of course, he doesn’t know which one) God lets go of the Devil and he is free to roam around. Therefore, one must put these little crosses on their doors and windows to prevent him from entering. Cute-

Helio and Levi finally have surround sound at our place. They are now really into watching movies- especially the new Ice Age movie. Very much like father, like son. I have to constantly yell- “very loud” I get them to turn it down for a moment but somehow it always gets louder.

Because I can’t get Levi to stand in a cold stream of water- I have decided it is best to put him in the 5 gallon bucket. I wait until it is warm outside and put him in the sun. I was able to wash his hair and get him very soapy that way. Thank goodness he is still little. See photos.

Today (Saturday) we will be going to a number of parties, we first will go to a party for Rafa’s Uncle- some sort of baptism. I wonder if they will hold it out by the laundry basin. Then we go to La Posada of Galileo. Galileo is a friend of Helio’s that I have heard about for years. La Posada is where people walk house to house and sing for candy. Kind of like Halloween- but I refuse to sing and I don’t really want any candy. I will do my best to be a good sport.

I got way too much sun yesterday and stand out even more now. I have to tell ya though, the attention is so nice. Yesterday when I left the Internet Café the lady who I have come to know on a small level, said “Gracias Bonita” -that will make me come back again. Seriously, I am so easy.

12.21.06 Day 3, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T14:46:00.001-06:00

I took a shower on Thursday with a 5 gallon bucket. I had to heat up a pot of boiling water to add to the rest of the water. It was better than freezing in the shower but really- Helio could see how happy I was with the arrangement as he was walking by, he said, “well, it could be worse” As I was using the Lloyd’s container to dump water over my head and standing over the 5 gallon bucket to catch as much of it as possible so that I could use it again, I couldn’t help but think- “How, how could this get any worse” I guess, I should be thankful that there is water to heat up and a stove to heat the water on. Whatever-

It is official- I have nothing to do and I am bored. I have heard a thousand times how this is going to be good for me, I don’t really see it that way. I feel a bit stir crazy and like it is a waste of time to just sit. There is only so much you can talk about, then I would just prefer to work. When you have nothing to do, you are very likely not to be motivated to do anything (Helio- point and case). I am hoping to read my book for book club in the next couple days. And sit in the sun. Big goals bc I am big stuff.

I am finally sick, I am suffering what I believe they call Montezuma’s revenge. It was bound to happen. I have been only drinking soda (Coca Cola Light, not Diet Coke) none of the water. However, I think my body just couldn’t handle the 4 tacos I have eaten since arriving. We finally went to an “American” grocery store. And even in my illness, I was delighted. I found Jiff peanut butter, Fruit Loops, regular coffee (the stuff I sent down was decaf), creamer, and goat cheese. Helio makes great juice. He made some orange juice from the oranges we bought last night and it makes my insides say “Ah, normal”. I refuse to eat at the little stops along the road. I can’t handle anymore stomach cramping. I have also caught a cold. My head, throat, nose hurt, and I am achy all over. Some of that might be the food illness though too. I went to bed early Thursday night and feel a little better this morning (Friday).

We finally went swimming. It was a cute little place with all sorts of little pools and a slide. Helio wanted to go early in the day as we didn’t make it there the day before. So we were there at 9 am, by noon, I had to convince Helio it was ok not to stay there all day. Both he and Levi looked like they could just lay down on the ground and sleep. We went back to the house and they slept for about 3 hours. I took that time to wander around Jona- found a internet café -which was very dreary to sit in for an hour for the very loud Ranchero music and all the traffic that drives by with all their competing music. + the keyboard was more difficult than normal, I kept losing my connection, and the lighting- man the lighting.

From what I see, the Mexicans do not understand 3500K fluorescent lighting. Everything is super blue and very sad. I understand wanting to use fluorescent due to expense of running the lamps but there are options. I think this should be my personal crusade as I am here- to educate the masses on warm lighting options. While I am at it, maybe I can show them some furniture options other than the plastic stacking chairs. It just makes a room feel a little cozier to have warm soft lamp lighting and upholstered goods vs. a single 4100K fluorescent strip, plastic stacking furniture, and plastic table cloths, but then there is the expense of those options, I know.

There are two little girls that live in the same little complex as where we are staying. It appears there are 4 houses within the gated entry/courtyard. One’s name is Samantha she’s 9, the other little girl, Fernanda, she looks about 6. They are beautiful little girls, and so polite. They call me Senora and when I call Levi, they rush to me with him in their arms and say, “Tu mama, te habla, (your mom is calling you). Wow- so weird, I am an adult. Levi is totally playing them. Anytime I try to parent him, he runs to them and asks to be picked up so he can pretend cry. He hangs out by their door with one of the 3 balls we found in the yard and waits for them to come out. Then he drags them all over the place. That kid has no fear. And he is one with the ladies already. I am terrified that he is going to pull one of those big metal poles down on himself (had knocked them down like 3 times already- and this morning I was scolded by the lady who lives there how dangerous it is) They have these clothes lines that are low, they attach the clothes and then use these metal posts to get the line up higher above your head so you can walk under them. The posts aren’t attached to anything, they are long, with a 90 degree bend at each end and it is a matter of balance and gravity that keeps them up- not a good place for a 2-yr old to explore.

Helio finally washed the bedding I sent down a few months ago, I can imagine that the sleeping arrangement will only improve from here. Now, we too, have laundry all over the place. We bought a bar of laundry soap last night and it is so weird to watch Helio wash a big quilt by hand. It is true, I am seeing a lot of the habits that I saw at home but for real here. I will have to wait a day until it dries in the sun, but we are making progress. I am sick of waking up in the morning to my face planted on the bare mattress bc the sheets are so old they come off. I don’t know the people who lived here before- it all grosses me out a bit.

Helio is trying desperately to get Levi to talk. He is working on “Agua”. Levi isn’t getting it. But you can tell how he wants to talk; I just wish he made the connection. He is getting used to riding in the car without a car seat, I however, am not. It is a bit crazy that in the US where there are traffic laws that people abide by, the car seat is used more frequently, where here, the people drive like mad-men and nobody uses a car seat. If the roads were expanded to a 4 lane freeway, you wouldn’t have people trying to pass semis into on coming traffic. I hate it, and have to close my eyes a lot.

I can see why people don’t want to keep dogs as pets down here. They all look mangy. I wouldn’t want a dog like that living with me either. They just lay around in the sun all day and eat scraps. Totally like the movies.

The house is right next to what Helio calls “Centro” (downtown) which appears to me to be about 3 blocks long. They have a big festival there every night. I think it is for Las Posadas. There is music and dancing and kids rides- like a carnival. For some reason, I have had no interest in going.

I’m off to try to find something to fill my day up with. I will do my best not to write again too soon.

12.19.06 Day 1, Mexico Trip 1

2008-11-18T14:37:00.003-06:00

Things I have learned since traveling to Mexico thus far:

1. I don’t want to live here
2. Every store looks like a gas station I would avoid back home.
3. You can get everything road side ranging from a full chicken dinner & beer to a Cantante (honestly, as we were driving on the “freeway” last night, I saw full families with little kids playing chicken trying to get across the freeway in the dark, 3 times Helio nearly hit someone, we also saw an old man walking alone in the dark with a guitar strapped to his back, totally from a movie. Helio said that they actually try to stop people and sing for money. There is also a decision you must make when purchasing your adult beverage of choice, do you want to pay the additional money for the deposit or do you have bottles at home that you can fill up.
4. The Mexicans post signs for limiting speed but bc nobody cares about what is posted they put up additional speed bumps every mile or so- thus it takes a very long time to get to where you are going. There are rules/laws posted but it seems more like a suggestion unless the rule is enforced with a great big riffle. The gas stations are guarded by armed men. Helio says that the people rob them all the time bc they are the places that have the money. It took us from 5 AM leaving our house in Minneapolis- car ride from Ann, two airplanes, a train- to get to Mexico City, a 2- hour bus ride to Cuernavaca , a 20 minute taxi ride and a couple stops, and an hour car ride in the Blazer to Jonacatepec. We finally arrived in the house we are staying at 8 pm. Poor Levi- he was shot.
5. The house that we are staying would actually host a better party than our own house. Perhaps it has more to do with the lack of things I guess. There is laundry hanging everywhere down here.
6. The courtyard to this house is so super duper cute here. If I lived here this house would be “just adorable.” It just needs a little love, nobody has been here for about 5 years Helio said. You do have to wear shoes all the time, for the bugs that might want to bite you- inside and out.
7. I can survive sleeping without a fan. I did it last night but won’t do it tonight. I slept for like 8 hours, that is the most I have slept in maybe a month, without medication, and without getting up and wandering around in the night.
8. All of the tons of things that I crammed into his car before he left will serve me now. I do look like a ridiculous American with all of my things but I feel better having them. It does make me aware of how I am a bit demanding and want things. People don’t have roofs and I want more diamonds. Maybe I will settle a little.
9. Everything smells like chickens (cooked chickens and/or chicken droppings) or marijuana. So, I don’t regret for a minute that I brought a travel candle and incense. I know- so American.
10. Levi is handling all of this like a champ. We had a few meltdowns in the morning- he didn’t like checking in and going through security. He also did not like the last hour or so of our first flight. Our second flight was so much easier. He was tired and used to it by then. The bus ride, he just hung on his dad and watched movies, and the taxi ride, he wouldn’t stay out of the back window and was waving to everyone behind us. That made the scene of a crazy driver crashing into the back of the cabbie rush through my head every 10 seconds. People drive close here, honk a lot, and seem very anxious to get to where they are going, which I find ironic- When Levi saw his dad (he was a little mental going through customs) he didn’t hesitate for a minute. It was just like Helio had just come home from work, very normal.
11. I retract my statement to Ann about Helio didn’t get fat. After spending more than 10 minutes with him I noticed a larger stomach. I guess that is what you get when you use your dad’s wife for food and you AREN’T WORKING. He has gained about 5 pounds or so.
12. We are off today to buy light bulbs, food, get my fan and other gear I sent down a few months back. I will send pictures when we take some today. I am dying for a shower before I meet my father in law. (we didn’t make it to his house yesterday as the travel time was just too long) I hope that happens.

I love you all and wish that we had friends down here with us. I can see in Helio’s face how sad he is and lonely. He really has been cut off from his life as he has had in Minnesota. He honestly seems a little broken. I will do what I can with my “wifely” powers to fix it a little. I will write again soon. I am dying for some gossip from home.

12.20.06 Day 2- Mexico trip 1

2008-11-18T14:22:00.003-06:00

When I asked Helio why there were all those bottles turned upside down on the roofs of the houses he said, “Oh, well, that it to make the lighting hit somewhere other than your house” So I guess if you extend the rebar up from the columns of your house and you have some of those empty bottles laying around, you put them on the rebar- to avert the lighting. Whew- this is information I need to know and will implement as soon as possible.

There are kids everywhere here. Levi is having a blast. He always has someone to play with. It is amazing. I find that I feel a little more relaxed as well. When there are multiple kids running around and yelling, I don’t feel like I am the only one who has a nutty kid. Yes, I know it is normal and he is 2 but sometimes I just want him to sit still and not yell- like on the plane. He is so dirty though, bc there is no grass, there is a lot of dirt. -So as soon as I have cleaned him up, his hands and feet are covered in dirt again. And he tends to want to lay on the floor of any store or restaurant we go into. Which I can only imagine has not been cleaned in a while.

Helio succeeded in getting the bathroom door to close. However, he did not master the hot water. He did get the gas with the tank finally to the house and hooked up but only can get two burners on the stove to work and not the boiler for the shower to work. I think it is lime build up. There isn’t any plumbing into the kitchen. I go to the baptismal pool and collect water in a 5 gallon bucket and then use two small plastic bowls (the size of a Lloyd’s container) that I found in the yard and wash dishes that way. (I know dad, the soap, I am not sure it comes off with tepid water, I think of you every time I am trying to touch the glasses to make sure they aren’t slimey from the soap) I took a shower late yesterday- cold. It appears that I will be taking cold showers the whole time I am here at this house. I am trying to be a trooper about this. I could walk down the street to one of Helio’s family member’s houses to shower but then I really wouldn’t have any privacy. And they have too many birds, which makes the house smell like pee. I don’t like a house that smells like pee as I have had an unpleasant experience with that.

Rafa looks EXACTLY the same. And he remembers everything from 5 years ago when Helio and I met. He really likes my dad. He asks about him a lot. It is a little weird when you go over to someone’s house and everyone comes out of the back and asks you to sit down and they all line up and talk about your “guero” (whitey- Levi) Everywhere we go Levi is making friends with people. He is attracted to the kids with a ball or the ladies behind the counter that can give him candy. He has received so many kisses already. All the ladies down here have been falling over themselves to give him a squeeze. –my kind of man.

Rafa has asked me to cook- lasagna. I don’t remember cooking it for him and Helio but I guess I did so I will do it again. Helio wants some American food badly. I will have to get some other utensils like a pan to cook things in before I can actually accomplish that. I promised that I would cook bunches of American food in excess so Helio has a ton to eat after I leave too. I am a food pusher even in Mexico.

Helio’s dad’s house- wow. See photos. No wonder Helio has been so sad. Really, there isn’t a place to talk on the phone. The house comes complete with the kitchen outside, a rooster den, a lame dog with an open bleeding sore on his back hind leg named “Capitan” -Captain, and a curtain for a door. Very dreary. I am trying to convince him to either stay at the place we are staying at right now or go to Cancun when we leave. Very sad there.

We are off to swim. I am hoping to make it to Playa Azul next week after Christmas. Jona- don’t know how long I can do it.

mexican entries

2008-11-18T14:19:00.001-06:00

Because I can't get my act together and have been amiss in postings, I thought I would reissue the journal entries that prompted the need for a blog. These entries are from our (Levi and my) trips to Mexico to visit Helio while he was trapped there during the immigration process. I apologize for the lameness and lack of new things to read but worth putting it all in one location.

in the lower regions

2008-11-17T21:35:00.000-06:00

Helio destroyed the basement last April. Or rather I should say it was the beginning of dismantling piece by piece my laundry and storage areas. With one closet and a half total in our whole house, the basement has been a necessary storage area, especially for the little boy clothes as Levi grows out of them. First he started by tearing down the half built non-legal qualifying bedroom. Then he tore down our “nazi shower” as my Irish friend likes to call it. It was one of those temporary plastic gigs that had outlived its purpose within the first year of our living here. By the time he took it down it had a sway and a dangerous lean. It was not something that I could prop a foot up on to shave a leg or have a quick romp with my husband in. It was slimey, dark, and decorated with fasteners which evolved to orange rust spots.

It has been an 8 month process but the project has progressed to 5 channels of cut away concrete and piles of dirty tools. There are gaping holes of dirt in the basement. We have always had a bug problem in our 1932 home but now we have canvassed the area with an open invitation for those creepy crawlies to make our home their permanent domain. We have everything they need- free passage to the outside via a dark, damp basement and left over food on the stove.

Last week I thought I had the problem solved. I thought, heck with it, I am just going to put this bad boy on the market and get the hell out. Today fear set in. What if it’s impossible to sell, what if I am rejected by the credit markets, what if the car finally dies like it has been trying to do for 18 months and I don’t have a dollar to fix it.

Last weekend we spent time with my mom and dad up in Duluth. My dad finally could not take it anymore. He has patiently asked about the basement as long as the project has been going on. We have all the fixtures needed, just not the confidence to attach them to the plumbing pipes. He offered to come down for a week over Christmas to finally finish the job. So, maybe finishing it out can be Helio’s project for the winter, I can pay off my baby, and then look at putting it on the market this coming spring. I need more space. I am constantly shouting for everyone to stop touching me. So, Merry Christmas to me, my dad is giving me an out.

the orchard alone

2008-10-14T16:15:00.001-05:00

I went to the apple orchard finally. All of last fall I told myself that I would take Levi there and it never happened. So, last Saturday I put both the boys in the car and took off for the day without the husband factor. I went out towards the Western suburbs. I once had a boyfriend (who hated me that is another story though) who lived out in that general area so I felt nostalgic for the area again.

In my most recent garage sale-ing I had picked up another map book. Helio constantly takes mine out of the car and never returns it. It has been one of many sore subjects between us for years. So, with my map book and a cell phone I thought if I just started driving I would find a good apple picking location. I expected low levels of crowds, wandering animals and all the apples one could eat for a nominal fee. What I encountered was multiple car lots yet nowhere to park, massive crowds of people, and fees for all things- including viewing the goats and chickens behind cages.

I found a place to park way in the back up on a grassy hill and thought, eh?...looks fine to me. So, I took the boys out, put Dante in a front of my body carrier and did my best to shout at Levi to keep him out of traffic on the short walk to the orchard. As soon as we arrived we got onto a tractor pulled trailer to get a tour of the grounds. The whole time I kept thinking, I am going to burn up my baby’s face because he had neither sun screen nor hat and we are in direct sunlight. Next was a corn maze, a spendy corn maze. Growing up in northern Minnesota, I have a hard time stomaching $6.75 per person to walk through corn but I did it because Levi wanted to. However, his enthusiasm lasted about 8 minutes.

I quickly realized that if I wanted to use the facilities it was just not going to happen. I have a fundamental principle against using port-a-potty (and-all-over-the-interior-and-now-all-over-me) I am not one to shy away from tasks that are a bit difficult with kids. Using a mobile bathroom station with a toddler who can’t help but touch everything and an infant who is hanging off the front of me is not one of the tasks that I canjust take a deep breath and talk myself into. I had to decline for myself. Levi on the other hand, needed to pee. I told him to go in by himself and I looked the other way. What did it matter? There was pee all over inside anyway. I just could not deal with cramming the three of us in there. I still shudder thinking about it. He fell out of the plastic peeing station with his pants and underwear around his ankles. Quietly I said, “Levi, hurry up, pull those pants up, people are looking”. I couldn’t lean over to help- the baby would have fallen on the ground. Again, I should have maybe considered the stroller.

I had enough of price gouging and manning the boys alone so we headed out. I got everyone in their car seats and stripped down to the last layer of clothing as I was dripping in sweat from carrying Dante around in the warm autumn sun. I placed my new bag of honey crisps in the passenger seat for a snack once we hit the open road, took a cleansing breath, and put the car in drive. As I tried to climb the hill, my tires spun and I went nowhere. I put it in reverse then drive again, using a bit more speed to get up the slope. This time, the tires spun more rapidly, thus kicking up mud all over the cars near me. I scanned the area. Nobody was approaching. I looked behind me. Mud. All. Over. I did my best to get away from the scene as quickly as possible while not hitting other apple orchard go-ers. I thought that I had made a clean get away until I made it out on the paved road. As I increased in speed, mud flew everywhere- now spraying pedestrians, not cars. I kept saying, “oh my God, oh my God…” I didn’t know what to do. I had to move the car out of the road but in order to do so, I sprayed everyone with the mess I had just accumulated up under my wheel wells. I decided it best to just look forward and make a go of it. Pretend you see nothing and the problem goes away…

I have been waiting for nearly 4.5 years for Levi to be able to answer the following question- “What is your name little boy” and Saturday was the day it happened. We were on the back of the flat trailer with benches where the guy sitting next to Levi asked this very question. Levi to my surprise and small tear said “Evi”! It was the small victory of that day. All the unpleasantness of not being able to pee for hours and paying nearly $40 to look at trees was worth it to hear him finally say it. I do not think I will be going back to that apple orchard. I must find a new one and maybe the next time, I will bring a companion and a stroller.

breasts

2008-09-16T20:39:00.010-05:00

When I am sick I break out in a blotchy red rash on my neck. I don't think it has anything to do with any one particular illness, I get it for all sorts. I can tell when I am not feeling well and haven't really noticed the symptoms yet by this red patchiness all over the front of me that soon things will be worse than they are now. These are the days that I wear my hair down.

Today my hair was down. I have come down with mastitis again. Last night I had a fever of 100.8 (tonight 101) and today by 3:30 I had a very strong desire to lay on the floor in my cube. I left by 4 feeling like I was floating above myself as I drove home in the beginning of rush our. I kept thinking, this is a good example why the medical world tells people not to operate machinery while taking medication. I tried to take some medicine I had left over from the last time this happened but it didn't seem to be doing the "repair" to my right boob that it should have. I looked up the symptoms online of untreated mastitis and scared myself into calling the doctor for a new prescription. I do not want to experience a surgical drainage.

Last night I took to bed about 8pm as I thought just getting lots of rest would do the trick. When I woke up this morning my house was covered in food. Again, I can not imagine Helio allowing food to sprinkle his living room floor in his Mexican bachelor pad. But because I am out of commission but still in the house he allows Levi to eat wherever he wants. I had to put the food away before I left for work this morning. That was- spaghetti and noodles on the stove, plates full of food on the table, dumped over cereal on the floor beside the bed, not to mention the pile of dirty dishes.I texted Helio on the way home and asked him to pick up dinner. When he got home he totally played that man trick- what do you mean, I thought your message said you were picking up dinner. He is a liar. He knows exactly what that text said.

So, I was fevering in bed, needed to pick up a perscription and find a way to mashed potatoes as I had been craving them most of the day and I certainly was not going to ask him to do my bidding. I was going to show him how dumb he was by going myself. (the message was not received)I left to pick these things up angry. I just think he should offer to do things like this when I don't feel well. Honestly, I don't want to be sick, I don't bring it on and mastitis just sort of comes at you from nowhere. (well it does for me) I went to Walgreens and sadly KFC but not in that order. I was dripping in sweat in my red fuzzy socks with the rubber bumpers on the bottom and my good ol Esko Football sweatshirt. I kept up my anger towards him while I was gone thinking, didn't he say in sickness and in health?...So by the time I got to the pull up window at Walgreens and the lady told me that the fax still hadn't come through and it was "still on the way" I felt violent.

I am home now from a return trip to Walgreens. I have another batch of antibiotics. Helio is smartly staying in the other room and has changed his tone. I will take more medicine and sleep some in hopes that tomorrow brings back good health. I have about 8 more months of this breatfeeding and he's done. I will try to be a better mom and not count the days, just the weeks.

I've been out of commission

2008-09-11T20:16:00.006-05:00

My computer died on me. I had to have the motherboard replaced and because I opted to have some "Mexican guy" Helio knew repair it, it took nearly 2 weeks. It threw me off my groove. However, my laptop does not overheat and shut off suddenly anymore and I have a new keyboard, modem, motherboard, plug port, and I'm sure a bunch of other things that I don't know about all to the tune of $200.

This is my third week back to work and I am getting into the swing of things but feel scattered. I forgot that when you don't devote your life to filling your bookshelf with garage sale finds that there are many things to be responsible for in a day. I got a letter in the mail on Tuesday from Countrywide Mortgage Lending making me aware that one of their now former employees has sabatoged my life. S/He gathered all of my information and sold it to a third party. The short letter pretty much read- Dear Manda, sucks to be you again,...good luck! Yesterday I pulled my credit report and discovered that some clever person tried to purchase a car with my ID last May and attempted a home purchase in August- both a closing company and a mortgage lender pulled it then. I am sort of overwhelmed with all of the agencies that I must make aware of my misfortune. I feel I am always sorting something. I will have to take it in pieces and somehow I will be done with it all. It brings back all the unpleasant feelings of filling out paperwork like I had to with immigration.

Helio was laid off two weeks ago so as I expected, we are hurting tremendously financially in September. I have a friend who I consider a gypsy- I think I may have some of those gypsy powers myself. I was certain there was going to be some sort of something that made us even poorer than we already are with regular incomes before we were both seeing full paychecks again. Well, I don't think I have cried, and because I am still nursing, I haven't been able to drink my fears. Maybe I am coping?

Winter is coming. I am back to fighting Helio for fresh air at night. I love a room with cool air and crisp breeze from the window above my bed while sleeping. He waits until he thinks I am asleep and reaches up to close the window. Of course, I wake up (because I am sweating) and open it. Its a non-stop battle in our house. Hopefully all my credit issues and money whoa's! (and woes) will subside and I can participate in a normal life. Its nice to have him back to fight over the window with-that's normalcy- last fall I was still wondering if he was ever going to be back.

I do not fear single parenting

2008-08-12T22:49:00.001-05:00

The danger with having been a single parent for nearly a year and a half is I am just not afraid to ever have to do that. At times, I feel sort of nostalgic for the days of no male influence in the house- just me and Levi. All weekend I kept thinking- wouldn't it be great to just sell everything and take Dante and Levi to France or Italy to live. Then I dreamt up a whole new life- I would take as many suitcases as the airlines would allow, rent an apartment in Italy, work in an amazing design firm, and find my happy place. Think of the food, the wine, the smells and the tiny little streets I would fall in love with. Really, how is it that we are supposed to get married and surrender forever to the life you settle into? I keep thinking, I want to fall in love over again. I could fall in love with a city. Perhaps really I am seeking passionate experience, whether that be food, a cityscape, or my relationship with Helio. He can be convinced, I am sure, to make a turn around. I just don't think its my place to do it. Its somewhere in there, he had it once.

running is not a family sport

2008-08-12T22:12:00.008-05:00

Honestly, I am making a mediocre effort into running again. It's hard. I went to work today. I don't officially come back from maternity leave until August 27th. I thought I would ease into it by going in a couple days a week until my time runs out. All day I dreaded the workout room but knew I had to make an attempt to run after I put in my 8 hours. Around 5:30 I was sure most of my co-workers were out of the building thus I made my way to the changing rooms. However, upon entry, I found one stragler from work there just newly changed into his work out gear. I walked into the individual changing room and stood there in the dark hoping that he hadn't seen me. Turning on the light, trying to push myself, I caught my reflection and thought, I can't be seen in my neon green shorts, I can't make him witness to my enormous breasts bound up and down as try to act cool on the treadmil. Therefore, I quickly dashed out of there. I don't think he noticed.

I tried to make a quick go of it before the rain started this evening at home. However, my 4 year old has turned into a dedicated athlete lately. If he's not trying to get me to take him bowling or wrap up his wrists like the gymnists on the olympics, he is putting his socks and shoes on to go running. I can't even sneak out of the house without him sobbing that he wants to go too. In order for me to go to out for my daily exercise tonight I had to get the whole family equipped with park gear. I did my best to not complain but I was muttering to myself the whole time in my head. I had thought about sneaking out the back door and just leaving but couldn't even make it back through the house without being found out. I have no place to run in this tiny house we live in. As we were making it to the park I saw dark clouds, lighting in the distance, and could hear rolling thunder approaching. I kept telling myself, I just have to push through.

It all caught up to me. I turned around to run back to Levi on bike, Helio trying to run with the running stroller in his flip flops, and Dante blinking away light sprinkles. I took the baby in the running stroller from Helio in an attempt to speed things along and was rewarded with a downpour. By the time we got home Dante was taking big gulps of air and all I could think of is, this has the uncanny resemblance to waterboarding my infant. He took it all in stride, no tears, but I could see a bit of panic starting to set in. Nothing a little nursing can't cure.

I am going to need to push it up a level. I have to fully commit to running. This half-ass stuff is not getting me anywhere. I need a new game plan or plan of attack in getting out of the house without witness.

leotard

2008-08-09T22:21:00.004-05:00

I have finally put my running shoes on and gone out with my ipod on the path that I used to travel with pride- that is, during my running days and minus 20 extra pounds. I have to remind myself that the people around me do not really care about me or the extra poundage swinging side to side as I try to take off the weight. Today was my second day out. My legs are heavy. It feels much harder to run this time than any other time I have taken it back up again. As I was running back home tonight I thought, you know this might be a lot easier if you just bought a nice leotard and wore that under your clothes until the weight comes off. Then I realized, that extra body mass has to spill out somewhere and I would end up with extra ripples up under my armpits. I think that would be even less attractive. For now, I will keep trying to run and not allow myself to repeat over while I run- I hate this or This Sucks or Why is this so fricken hard? It will get better. However, Helio is NOT allowed to make comments. Today as I was complaining that I didn't want to go while lacing up my shoes, he started to tell me, Well, babe, I like it when you have a good body and when you run. I did not speak for I was biting the inside of my cheek thinking, Dude, you can't run down the street without giving up, you don't even try. I just had a baby 10 weeks ago, he should know better than to comment on my body or lack of firmness. I pray my bod can be returned to its previous state.

work, I want better

2008-08-07T04:16:00.002-05:00

I'm stir crazy. I can't stop looking for a new job. This usually doesn't happen to me until the dead of winter but I keep surfing for websites that will showcase a new fabulous new life I always mention I want. I found these couple firms the other day and by 9pm was sitting at my laptop, tears streaming down my cheeks, thinking- what happened to me? Do I have the talent to even apply. See this: http://www.doddmitchell.com/ or http://www.dupouxdesign.com/ (the employee profiles on dupoux design is what finally brought on the tears, all of them appear so interesting) Instead, I work here http://www.esgarch.com/. I don't know if it was wishful thinking or even if I feel settled where I am but I always had bigger ideas for myself. A week or so ago, I had to turn down a job offer in Santa Barbara, there just wasn't enough money offered to pack up the family and start over but I can't help thinking it over and over- I could have gotten out of here. I have to say though, I am so attached to my friends, family, even the industry I work in. It would be lonely for a while but it would be so fun to start over in a way. I can't help but feel it is extremely selfish of me to want to move though. The boys deserve their million cousins and my parents would absolutely shrivel up and die (especially since I am their sole surviving child now) Maybe some opportunity will show up here in Minneapolis and when the boys are older, we take on a higher profile, great design firm.

beautiful broken english

2008-08-05T22:24:00.007-05:00

So Helio has been very active doing his handiwork around the house. I am delighted that he is actually getting things done. However, I must monitor at all times from a distance. This is tricky. Tonight he came home with a new shower rod. He put a decent shower type assembly into our upstairs bathroom. I was totally floored that he didn't opt for the cheap version of a shower rod (he must have not seen them at Home Depot). It looks not too bad. The best part is I won't have to shower in the basement this winter when it is freezing cold. He plans to finally dig up the basement floor and run new plumbing so he can actually finally finish up the second bathroom that we so desperately need, thus the need for a functioning shower upstairs.

Last week, he finally figured out what was wrong with our stereo system and rerouted/rearranged our speakers. He was trapped behind our TV when he asked me to go to the garage and get his silicon. I asked for what of course as I was trying to feed Dante and watch Levi through the front window to ensure he didn't wander out of the neighbor's yard and into direct contact with the light rail. He wanted to silicon one of the speakers to the wall behind the TV. Of course, he was not allowed. Silicon has become his answer to everything. He has siliconed the following: the picnic table, a decorative plaque to the exterior of our house, the bathroom sink, the kitchen sink, and has informed me of his intension to now silicon the tilework in the "new" shower upstairs.

Tonight after he finished with the bathroom- or what he considers finished, I will have to go back in and clean up all the displaced soap, shampoo and hair products, he started explaining further plans for our 5' x 5' bathroom. He said he wanted to build a shelf into the wall. I have learned to not panic and just listen. Of course, I will find roadblocks to put infront of him before he can start blowing into our wall. He must have noticed my disapproval because in his broken English he started defending himself by saying, "not too dick, not too dick" To which I burst out laughing and said, Helio, the term is "not too deep, there is a huge difference".

Its not fun holding up a shower rod while you have to instruct your husband to actually measure so that the rod is level and placed at the same distance from the neigboring wall on both sides. But it is fun to make fun of him for his misuse of the word dick.

I'm just so proud

2008-07-31T21:13:00.000-05:00

what kind of crazy are these people?

2008-07-21T21:00:00.004-05:00

Saturday we had to go to another wedding. One that was looked forward to for a good 6 months or more by Helio's family. I remember thinking in the freezing winter months that when this wedding actually happened I would no longer have a baby in my stomach and how great that would be. Well, the day turned out to be far from great.

Helio had to work on Saturday morning. I told him in a half asleep state to make sure to have his ass in the car by 11:00 to return home and get ready as the wedding started at 1:00. I got up and started by bathing myself, then Levi, then Dante. I knew it was going to take effort to get everyone and everything in order. I had a plan. 11:00 came, I called Helio, my question was "I need you to honest to God, tell me what you are doing, when are you going to be home"? His response: "we are leaving here at 1:00" There started my anger.

Through some persuasion, he returned home by 12:15. We still didn't have a wedding gift and I really wasn't sure where the wedding was. Finally, we were all in the car, tempers had escalated yet Helio had to make another pit stop at a store to find a card. All I could think of is, this is not the time and tried so hard to just keep all my mean thoughts to myself. After the store, we had to return home to leave a key for friends, then things got out of control. It was 12:45 and we were driving in the direction of a couple churches where it could "possibly" have been at yet he did not know. The invitation that was sent out was printed prior to a family tragedy- the bride's brother hung himself this past spring- therefore, all the plans had changed yet they still handed out the misprinted invitations so I had no idea what information was correct and what had changed. I repeated several times on the way to the church, I am not walking down that aisle as the bride is walking down. We arrived just minutes before 1.

I zoomed into the church in heels, one kid in a car seat, and another in his "chanclas" (sandals) that would not stay on his feet as Helio parked the car. Now, I saw a bunch of Helio's family on the front steps of the church so I was reassured that this was the correct location. However, after I sat down near the front of the church and wiped the dripping sweat off my face and situated my youngest on my right boob, I realized I had no idea who any of these people were around me. Then I looked up again realizing that my sons and I were the only gringos in the group as I saw a long procession behind a young maiden in a bright red dress. It was 1pm, I was at the right church, but I was at the wrong ceremony. I grabbed my phone to check the time and I honestly muttered under my breath, "what kind of crazy are these people"? I soon assimilated that I was witnessing another quince anos ceremony and the wedding would be following.

Now, for two days, I just wanted a cup of coffee. I wanted Helio to come home in ample time for us to stop for a gift and get me some. I had a plan. Instead, I sat in front of fans mounted on the column next to me and tried to blend into the crowd. -Not and easy task to do when you are the only white person in the group, one of my sons is blond, he really stands out in a sea of black hair. I sat there until 1:45, wondering what I was supposed to do. Nobody would come sit by me, I had no idea where Helio was. Regardless, he rarely tells me what is customary, like if I am supposed to not be in the sanctuary or what the regular thing to do is for a Mexican holiday (or even if there is a holiday on a particular day) These things I find out through a system of deduction and his cousins odd looks.

As we were approaching the church Helio kept repeating, "I don't know why you are in such a rush to get there, we are going to sit in the church for two hours". To this, I did not listen. I really thought that because it was a wedding, in the United States, it would just be on time, as it was in print. How wrong could I be? The part that really sucks is HE WAS SO RIGHT. This only fouled my mood even further.

We drove to get coffee after the ceremony. We were to drive to Brooklyn Park for the reception thereafter. I attempted to negotiate that we would need to kill a couple of hours as it was then 3pm and what I had read said the reception was to start at 5. Helio just rolled his eyes. To which I replied "well, that's not what the invitation said"! I had lost all sense of even trying, I made Helio bring me home. I skipped the reception and for two days now I have had terrible guilt. I should have been there. It was a happy time for his family after such a terrible tragedy. Instead, I sat in my bed with my 7 week old baby and read all afternoon in the air conditioning. I have to say though, it was a great afternoon without having to deal with anybody. From now on, I am not going to push these things. I always lose and really, he is usually right, which really sucks.

I am a lost Japanese man

2008-07-20T12:02:00.004-05:00

I have to do more than sit here with two kids and read. My reality has changed. All I can think about is the current novel I am reading. When people come by and we visit, and I find myself holding back, I want to talk about the characters in my book. This is not reality. Currently I am reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami . Therefore, when I sleep, I am a Japanese man looking for his cat, who keeps finding himself at the bottom of a dried up well. I need to wrap this book up this weekend. I need to move on to a different country, a different plot.

making strides towards romance- the gentler side of me

2008-07-16T22:08:00.000-05:00

I want someone to read to me. I recently visited an old college friend and when she mentioned that her husband keeps reading passages from David Sedaris’s new novel to her in bed, I was instantly filled with envy. If Helio attempted, I would probably get super frustrated for the same reasons we can’t play games when company comes over. You wouldn’t know it unless faced with the issue but in order to play games like Taboo or Pictionary with people you must posses a real mastery of the English language. Also, a lot of the cultural jokes are lost on Helio. He gets most of it but references to the 80s or such things, he just doesn’t get it. He tries to though. I just spend most of my time explaining what is so funny. Seven (minus 1) years of getting used to us Americans just isn’t enough.

Maybe I should ask him to read the couple Spanish novels I have sitting beside me on my nightstand. For years it has been a goal of mine to read a full novel in Spanish. I think I could sacrifice one of them for the sake of trying to have a little more romance in my life.

U2, New York, & France

2008-07-14T21:35:00.001-05:00

You know how certain time periods seem to revolve around certain elements? Such as you are a long time smoker and you try to quit and nothing but smoking comes up everywhere? Or your bike is stolen and everyone asks you to ride with them or there are non-stop commercials on the radio for bike gear just to rub it in? Lately, I have had the following three things come up over and over- U2, New York City, and France.

I’ve heard a lot of U2 songs lately- especially tunes from the Joshua Tree. When I do I think #1 Bono’s wife is a lucky woman and #2 I want to be loved like I have fascinated that Bono loves his wife. I once wrote a poem for a college course where we were to compare someone in our life to food. I chose my mom and an orange. I don’t remember all of it but I do remember trying to convey my relationship with my mother as messy, deep, good and bad. (as a point of reference, I hate peeling oranges, you can’t ever get away from the mess, you get it under your nails and it feels like it is on you all day long, kinda like a mom) I remember some line mentioning the juice of an orange and it spilling down my arm and leaving sticky on my chin. That is how I imagine real deep true love is. You sink into it. It oozes all over you and you are happy to be a mess in it. Bono has a poetry in him. An undulating emotion. He oozes. He is affected by the world and the people in it. I can’t imagine what it would be like to be on the receiving end as his woman. I want to have sex like my orange story. I want to be what Bono has been looking for, I’ll be his honey lips.

I keep seeing everything creative point its origin back to New York City. I think I would have loved to have gone there in my 20s and done it up. Maybe I would have survived and thrived? Maybe I would have fallen apart. But I would have had the experience to talk about. I work in a creative field yet I constantly feel like an imposter. I am constantly in meetings thinking, “I don’t belong here, these people are going to find out I am a phony. Because I am not naturally smart, I have to work at my smarts. It takes review and revision for me to get something right. I feel that in design, I need the same. Honestly, I think I need to surround myself with more creative people. In college, I would always sit in a desk next to one of the most creative people in my studio classes, hoping some of their goodness would seep into me just by being near. I feel my insides aching for more creation, innovation, new ideas. I am sick of pushing the business of design. I want the heart of it. I want more. No, I can’t pick up and move to New York as so many do when this urge gets them. I will have to figure out how to do it in my growing city of Minneapolis for now.

Do people really honestly book the Concord to fly to Paris for just an evening meal at a favorite restaurant? I just finished up a book where there was a young budding relationship brewing and the new boyfriend did this to impress the woman. How amazing would that be? I don’t know if I could actually enjoy it without thinking constantly about the cost of the flight. -But really, what an amazing thing to do. I also saw on the back jacket of a book I got in the mail from Amazon that one of my favorite authors travels the world doing lectures and lives in France. That kind of life is what I am always referring to my dear Irish friend as “fabulous”. I need a more fabulous life. These couple things about France made my wheels spin. If I were to have this sort of fabulous life and lived in France, really, I would have everything I need- wine, cheese, small little restaurants, romantic people just because they make them that way over there, cobbled streets, and people who give a damn about how they dress. Reality is, I should have been born a gay man. They get to have their life “just so” and the world just excuses them as “gay”. For me, if I want things “just so”, I am an inflexible bitch who needs to give a little. I want to fuss about what peppers to buy at the grocery store. I want a cute little seating arrangement outside to drink a morning cappuccino that does not get dismantled each night. For sanity sake let’s just hope that France has something wrong with it. France would probably reject me; after all I am an Angry American.

the boobs, they hurt

2008-07-13T17:22:00.001-05:00

I have spent the last near 2 days in bed. I came down with the mastitis, which is just so likely with this whole second baby experience. Since the first day of being pregnant with Dante, I have had all the sicknesses one could get. Friday night I started to feel a little funky and by 2 am I was on the phone with the nurse line describing my pain. A very nice doctor prescribed an antibiotic via the phone and Helio went to get my bottle of pill magic by 3:15 that morning. I took a bunch of pills and painfully have been waiting for the flu-like symptoms and soreness to subside. Finally, today I am moving around. I tried very hard to shake it off yesterday by taking two showers, cleaning the house, and attending a birthday bbq but alas, I had to admit defeat and return to my sweaty bed. By 11 am today, I awoke to a drenched bed, body (even my legs were slippery wet with sweat from my fever), and a baby who definitely needed a bath from laying next to me all those hours. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen again these next 46 weeks of feeding. (6 down, 46 to go, then my body is mine…all mine.)

Although, Helio scored big with me by going to get the medicine in the middle of the night I have to say that staying at home during maternity leave has not helped me be a more understanding wife of his habits. I find more and more things less tolerable. He has either had a cold or had allergy problems for the last few weeks thus he has been going through Kleenexes like crazy. I find them everywhere. I have bad allergy issues and I manage to throw my tissues away. Helio balls them up and I find them on the sofa, near the washing machine, in the bathroom beside the garbage on the sink. They are bloody and disgusting. I know that I have habits that aren’t necessarily pleasant- such as, I pluck my eyebrows in the car at stop lights (it’s the best lighting for the little buggers), I cut my toenails in the bathtub (its easier when your feet have soaked a while) but I do my best to not impose my habits on others. I put things away, I clean up after myself, I rinse the tub after use. Why is it so hard for him to have the same values? I have to say though, the ultimate gross habit he has- cutting his nails and leaving the remnants of his work on the side table beside the living room lounge chair. That sends me through the roof.

I surprised Helio last September when he was still stuck in Mexico. I sent Levi to grandma and grandpa’s house and showed up for an extended weekend to celebrate our 4 year anniversary. (this is how we got pregnant with #2, there isn’t a need for decency when you are alone) When we went back to his apartment the place was insanely clean. His shirts were folded to the exact shape of the shirt below it in a stack, his shoes were cleaned and lined up in the closet, the bed carefully made- all sheets and blankets appropriately pulled taught and tucked in. Why can’t he do that here in the United States? It must be me, I do too much.

In my ferverish state, I was wandering around the house yesterday really just trying to get from one place to the next, not thinking of how I was dressed or how I appeared. I noticed Helio look down at my now deflated stomach and ask "so are you going to go running today now that you have the green light from your 6 week check up with your obgyn" (or something like that in his still broken English). My response: "Are you insane, I have a fever of 101, you think I'm going to go running? What is it my stomach, you think I need to do something about it immediately, you are an ass" He may go for the meds, but he has no idea when to not comment.

hammock and breast/face milk

2008-07-11T15:11:00.001-05:00

I made my new baby a new hammock today. The one I made for our first son was a bit too American-huge. I thought that he needed something small like they have at daycare. Both the boys will go to Helio’s family’s house for daycare in a few weeks. The woman who takes care of all the kids is Helio’s second cousin but all the kids call her “tia”. (auntie) When we had our first baby I saw this little contraption all sewed by hand and strung up with coated cable I thought, wow, so simple, yet so smart. I immediately ran home to make one bigger and better. The reality is, they like the little ones better. It makes them feel more enclosed and comforted. This will be the fourth kid to use that hammock at daycare. In our tiny 800+ sq. ft. house, we have hooks strategically placed throughout so that no matter where we are, we can string up a hammock.
When we were in Mexico a couple Christmas’s ago, I saw people use the real deal hammocks. They just put a mat in the bottom and tied up the top to prevent the little ones from falling out. It’s true, you don’t need all that baby equipment to have a baby, but I insist- a hammock is the way to go. Without one, I don’t know how to soothe a crying baby.
This new little sport has developed a bad case of face acne that has spread all over his ears and down onto his chest. Once, I was at a graduation party and saw a young Mexican mother put breast milk into her then pink eye suffering little girl. That image is still burned in my memory. Her eyes were all pussy and her mom was man handling her in a kinda rough way to get her to sit still while she dumped milk in her eyes from a bottle nipple. I still feel queasy when I think of that moment. Little Dante looked like he was in pain from his break out so I finally broke down and squeezed milk from my body onto a washcloth to smear on his face. Amazingly, it is working. His face looks like it is calming down yet he smells.
Helio’s family started sharing their “knowledge” of caring for babies as soon as I announced I was pregnant with our first. Some things insane- like rubbing a wet red string in a circle on the baby’s forehead to cure hiccups, other things helpful- use egg white for a minor burn to soothe the pain. I guess I am blessed to take information from both worlds- the US of A and Mexico. You implement some methods; you bring up others at cocktail parties to shock your friends.

A couple lists

2008-07-11T15:07:00.000-05:00

All weekend I thought of things that I like; things that would be very easy for Helio to tune into on special occasions. Here is the beginning of my list that Helio can refer to in a crisis situation, I think it is a good place to start.
Things I like:
1. Someone who talks to me, not bombards me with questions but has a conversation
2. Nice, interesting bookmarks
3. Amber
4. Alone Time
5. Honey
6. Lipstick (make up in general, especially with shimmer but lipstick is #1)
7. Tunes- i.e. an Itunes prepaid card
8. Coffee- i.e. a coffee shop prepaid card/ Coffee in bed in the morning
9. Contemporary Fiction- used books via Amazon
10. Earrings- hooker-style, sorta trashy Latina
11. Heels- refer to style in item #9
12. Sassy undergarments- sometimes in a good mood a combination of 9 & 10
13. Bath accoutrements/potions- and the time ALONE in the bathtub to enjoy them
14. Good smelly body creams
15. Pedicures
16. A good hunk of cheese and bread
17. Cash for garage sales (to look for contemporary fiction)
18. CAKE
19. Beer/Wine/Mojitos
20. Ipod accessories
21. Running gear
22. Handbags
23. Technology advances- i.e. add-on for laptop/a new apple laptop (ha)
24. Crème Brule
25. Crisp/tart apples
26. Men with accents (he’s got that covered)
27. White teeth
28. Bedding/Linens- i.e. sheets, quilts, comforters, duvets, pillows, etc.
29. A full bottle of water in the car for any and all car rides
30. Lots of picture taking
31. Reisen candies (once I start, I just can’t stop)
32. A pretty set table
33. Fresh moving air (you wouldn’t think it but this is something we fight about all the time)
34. The sound of the big tree outside my bedroom window in early fall
Quiet time at night to read and be still i.e.- now is not the time to start the day’s questions

Things that I don’t like:
1. Being forgotten on a special occasion
2. My shrubs cut down to 2’ off the ground with a sawzall
3. Tacos every night
4. Being called “gorda” or “gordita” even if it is a Mexican kindness
5. Half done projects
6. Sweaty smelly dirty socks left on the floor in my walking path
7. Capers
8. The hose not being hung back up after use
9. Waking up to a sink of dirty dishes
10. A stove/counter not wiped off
11. Seeds in grapes
12. Garlic
13. Yelling on the phone- use inside voices (very typical Mexican)
14. The garbage can left outside after being emptied
15. A dirty floor
16. Wet cake- i.e. tres leches, mil ojas
17. A dirty car
18. Making dinner just for one’s self and not their other half
19. Arrogance

2008-07-11T14:59:00.002-05:00

The 4th happens to be my favorite holiday, no expecations, just food (hotdogs one of my all time favorite foods), the sun, and if you are lucky- a boat.

how quickly it runs out

2008-07-11T14:59:00.001-05:00

have just one more paycheck coming to me while I am on my maternity leave. I lied and told my husband that I just received my last check on the 30th to put a little fire under his ass. I am so anxious about it that I have been obsessing over it all night. I will be out of work for another 8 weeks so I’m not quite sure how we are going to pay the bills. I have to give Helio some credit though. He is working two jobs.
He just left to work at the airport tonight. Its so ironic that he is working there. For years it was the ultimate place to avoid for fear of being deported. Now because he is legal, he is very proud of his airport worker’s badge. Anytime he prepares himself to work on a job there he shows me his badge again. I grin and nod. He is proud of it like Levi is proud of doing a painting in school. It is something to be proud of though. He worked hard to become legal. Or should I say, I worked hard for him to become legal. I filled out the 5 inches thick of paper work, paid the mortgage (sometimes barely) alone for months, and endured the first few months of a second pregnancy with a three year old pretending to throw up beside me. It was me who had to call daily for that last month to beg officials to please resend his lost file. He just had to show up with all the paperwork that myself and our lawyer assembled.
He’s been talking to me which makes a huge difference. The house is calm and pleasant when he does. I haven’t had that feeling like I am dragging him through basic daily tasks lately. Maybe I have mellowed or I am too distracted to care. Maybe its because Rafa showed up a month or so ago and is now working with Helio so he has a friend to talk to. As a result, I feel I have no one to blame for my anxiety about money. He is working two jobs, is at one right now, he is helpful, chatty, and keeps telling me how he loves me. He has been taking the noisey-tense moments with kids all in stride and I haven’t had to yell at him. I don’t know where to go with my fear of losing it all because I am not bringing home a paycheck. I usually just take it out on him because I am not mature enough to find a pleasant outlet for my fears. I guess it serves me right, I will just have to learn how to sit in my fear and allow him to work out some of the details.

party present

2008-07-11T14:58:00.000-05:00

Ultimo Regalo- The Last Present
This Last Present was presented to the quincenera by her Aunt and Uncle (padrinos) as her last present as a girl for now she is a woman…
This will probably sit in their house for years to come in the plastic up on a shelf or propped on top of the TV, regardless of its size.

party cake

2008-07-11T14:57:00.000-05:00

quince anos cake: it looks good, but don’t be fooled…its wet on the inside

I have no desire to read Jodi Picoult

2008-07-11T14:56:00.000-05:00

Once I was into “my feelings”, now I try to ignore them until they go away. I don’t know if something permanently was shut off when my brother Zach died but since then, I am not interested in touchy lovey stuff. Often I wonder what kinda girl I would be today if he hadn’t died nearly 10 years ago. (can’t believe that this October it will be a landmark 10 years) For a long time I had fantasized that he had “accidentally” had a baby with some young girl and magically his offspring would come to be raised by me. What kind of weirdness is that? Well, no 9 year old has shown up at my doorstep, I think it is pretty safe to assume that this fantasy is officially dead for me. (no pun intended)
We went to the quince anos last night. It was a balls-out celebration complete with mariachis, a coreographed dance routine, a power point presentation of the young girl’s life, and enough meat to have left overs for a good week. I have been saved the pressure of having to hold one of these parties, there are no girl children in this household. The first time I ever went to one of these parties I cried and I didn’t even know the girl or her family. I thought it was a moving experience to see a ceremonious coming of age. Last night, I leaned over repeatedly to a friend and found myself saying “now that’s mildly creepy” when all I could see was a elbow length white glove shoot up above all the heads of those in front of me, pointer finger extended to the ceiling while she was carried on the shoulders of ”los chambelanes” during the waltz.
I might just be bitter and it may have been bound to happen regardless of life circumstance. I have to say, it does make life easier and therefore I think better when the tears and broken-ness ended. Today, I just want everyone to buck up and quit snivelling.

back to the dirty bathroom

2008-07-11T14:55:00.000-05:00

I am waiting for half of my family to get their clothes on so we can leave for this quince anos party. This has been a year in the making and I can’t wait for it to be over. I thought it would be a fantastic experience to be part of being that we are so close to the virgin sacrifice (just kidding, that doesn’t actually take place for those of you who are in the dark on these sorts of events) but it has prevented many people from being part of normal life activities for all of the preparations that needed to be done. Multi-tasking is not a Mexican strong suit. Helio had to work so we missed the “misa” (church ceremony much like a wedding), now because a couple Mexican dudes showed up in our driveway about an hour ago to fix our truck we are officially late to the reception by 30 minutes. We will not be there for an hour still. You know, I don’t care anymore. This used to spawn big fights, now, I just let it go, it’s his family.
These parties go on until very late into the night, I won’t miss a thing except a clean bathroom. Yes, you can take Mexicans out of Mexico but you can’t take Mexico out of Mexicans. You would think that in Mexico there would be large billboards that would read something like “transplant to the Ol’ U.S of A. and you can flush your toilet paper down the facilities!” That would be enough to get me to swim across rivers, sleep in deserts, and hide in trees for hours. I have a very strong sensitivity to proper disposal of bathroom nastiness. Every one of these parties that I go to the people who attend them still throw their used toilet paper into large masses on the floor beside, behind, and around the toilet. By the time the sun goes down in the summer months I can no longer enter the bathrooms for fear of touching something I shouldn’t. The bummer is now I have a new born, there is no way I am getting around using those bathrooms.
Wish me luck, I am going to corral the troops. I have kept my hair down today to allow for a quick hand dryer in a pinch after washing my hands in the lavatory sinks. (there’s never a hand towel or paper to dry with) Hopefully, I won’t be there all night.

eating brie, working on my happy

2008-07-11T14:53:00.001-05:00

I’m sick of wearing underwear with asses in them. I have had to do this for officially a month now. I didn’t realize how ass-less underwear, aka: thongs, had become such a part of my wardrobe. While pregnant, some of my ass-less little numbers didn’t fit for the spreading of my hips and if I couldn’t find a good stretchy option I just went without. I think having to wear panties with an ass contributes to my feeling matronly, I grieve my loss of mojo.
I am alone for the moment, everyone is sleeping and that feels like a treat to me. I did not revel in my alone time enough when I was a young 20-ish girl. I wish I had some of those days back. I remember going to a liquor store on a Friday night, picking up a bunch of beers and going home to cable television. If, after drinking a few tasty ones on a hot summer night I felt social, I made a couple calls to see if I could find company. If there was no company to be had, I would just go out alone. Those were some of the best nights I have had. Now approaching my mid thirties, I feel like those were the days.
Today instead, I busted open some brie, something I have waited since last September to do being that its on the no-can-eat list of foods to avoid while carrying a baby. I am savoring every bite. Now, if only I could turn myself into chipper. I think that might require an alcohol tolerance. One of which I have lost since being on sabattical from consumption for the same reasons I could not consume brie. Baby steps…

2008-07-11T14:49:00.000-05:00

presents are not too much

2008-07-11T14:48:00.000-05:00

It’s Helio’s birthday in three days and I don’t know what sort of effort I should put into it. He really isn’t much of anything for special occasions. My family is completely the opposite so it causes great strife between the two of us. Or rather, for me, he doesn’t even notice. He is hard to buy presents for. He doesn’t really like anything. Well, to be honest, he dresses very nice, I could get him some clothes. Or some meat that smells. I despise chorizo and what it does to the aroma of my house. He loves it, makes it many mornings for his afternoon lunch at work. Disgusting.
Out of principle I don’t want to try for holidays that are catered to him. I want him to understand what it feels like to not be thought of. However, the lesson goes unnoticed. For instance, this year for my birthday, I thought it would be great to all get together and eat at a Cuban restaurant. My very good friend was in from London and was able to attend, I felt that this was going to be the best birthday celebration. Now, as a husband, I feel it’s sorta your job to pay the bill when it’s your wife’s birthday and try to act like you are together. I don’t know if he gets overwhelmed with the English and all but he was zoned out the whole night. Barely spoke, which is odd. My friends were great, they make up for all of that. Sometimes I even forget that I am disappointed in him because of them. Thank God for friends.
Of course, as I was waiting for him to get home to leave for the event, he was exceptionally late. I ended up calling him at the exact time that I had told him that we needed to leave. He hadn’t been home yet to shower and change. It was then that he was at a store with our then three year old trying to find me a present. He doesn’t plan; he doesn’t try to make it special. I scolded him for putting this off until the last minute and told him that he needed to be home now.
The two of them arrived home with a sole balloon. No, “Happy Birthday Mom” or cake. (I love cake, a lot) We went out, it was as fun as it can be when you are 7 months pregnant and can’t sit in a chair for an extended period of time. I also, just couldn’t keep up, by midnight I had to get to my bed. I was exhausted.
That following weekend I was cleaning the house and found on the dresser a wicker basket with a clip top that had not been part of our clutter in the past. It looked like a dollar store find. It wasn’t wrapped; it was balancing two-footed on a pile of folded clothes and had caught my eye because it looked like it was going to fall on the floor. This basket was not presented to me, not even thrown in a plastic Target bag for me to open, and it was not my birthday anymore. In tears a week previous I had said to Helio “I don’t want any of your crap presents for my birthday, please try to make it special” I had hoped that would prevent this sort of let down. I was unsuccessful.
I’m not trying to be demanding or difficult. I just want to be thought of. I have interests, I relay my interests. I think it is nice when your spouse applies past conversations to department store browsing. I do understand that part of it is his upbringing. The lack of making a holiday out of anything was so apparent when we were in Mexico for Christmas in 2006. His family didn’t even get together. I made his dad and his dad’s girlfriend lasagna, which they hadn’t ever had before, and tried to hand over presents. His dad accepted just as Helio does, quickly, anxiously, and in a way, tried to ignore the whole exchange. Prior experience is one thing. However, we have been together over 7 years now. He should now know, presents matter and it is part of the American way. I am American. My family does big holidays and I like them.

ok boss

2008-07-11T14:47:00.002-05:00

I’ve been thinking a lot lately of my next husband. What he would be like. I have decided that I would like an Irishman. One who is angry at the world with me and not at me for what the world is. I can’t be responsible for everything and I can’t control everything. I would like to, but alas, it is impossible. I would like a man who is big, maybe a tatoo here or there, nice arms are a must. I would like some decorative chunky jewelery too. No sissy stuff, maybe just a nice ring would do it for me. But the arms are a must. Oh, and an Irish accent. I think it is good to be reminded that you have a foreigner. One of the things that saves me from divorcing Helio at times is his accent. He can say things like “yea, well, sorry bout that” when I am coming down on his ass for not calling me for days when I go 2 hours north to visit my parents for a week (with his two sons, one of whom is less than 3 weeks old) With an accent, it actually makes me giggle. Thank God that was on the phone. I didn’t want him to see that I was actually entertained by his apology.
My Irishman would drink whiskey, like to travel and not get pissed about it during planning, while in transit, and then complain about not having any money upon return. I want him to be clean, not leave his nasty crusty socks on the floor, and please, please, please, don’t fold one hard yellowed sock into the other and leave it hamper. That only means I have to touch it longer when throwing it in the washing machine. Dirty socks have become my all time hated habit of a man. I want my Irishman to have interesting friends, the kind of friends that I would actually like to hang out with or go to the bar with. I can’t think of any that Helio has that I would actually try to find a babysitter for.
Helio does have some great saving graces, he is socially excellent. He charms a room with his Mexican-ness. Old ladies fall in love with him. Men want to bust out the tequila. Hell, I have seen women my age get drunk and rub all over him. This doesn’t bother me oddly. I feel flattered. When that stuff is actually happening, he acts unaware, the insanity is that he is so completely aware. He is so much smarter than he puts off. He wants to appear to be the easy-going, not a worry in sight kind of man. Its just not the way it is.
My husband is so very intuitive. I have told people over and over that he has a homing device built right in, he knows where I am all the time. During the 14 months that he was gone, I would have a melt downs often. There were countless moments that I would decide its all over and would think, yes, I will need a divorce where magically, he would call my cell. I have been at the grocery store, the liquor store, the park, the mechanic where he just shows up, yet, he can’t figure out where I put the peanut butter last. See, he just wants to play dumb. It is a very typical Mexican trait that I have seen his whole family do. Why? What do you gain?
I have learned to not respond. I used to get mad and go into a tirade about where something was or how to do something. Now, when he asks me again to describe what it was that I needed from Home Depot on his way out the door I just don’t respond. It’s easier. He knows, he just doesn’t want to turn on his short term memory. Or if I do respond, he gets the “I hate you and wish that you would burst into a million flames right here in front of my eyes look” and walks out the door saying something like “ok boss” door slam… Beautiful.
My next husband will be angry, but not angry at me. He will want to talk to me. He will be an intellect. He will read- the newspaper, which he will keep me up to date so I don’t report old news to my friends days after events occur & books. I want someone to talk to about a good book. And all of the work that needs to get done around the house, I will hire it done. Enough of the half ass jobs and the patch work. I am a designer, I see the details, they matter to me. I’m not super picky, I just want a tile floor that doesn’t have cracked tiles and when the plaster ceiling needs repair, that doesn’t mean that you put a piece of sheetrock over the hole. My Irishman will have common sense. He won’t stand in a tub filled with water up to his knees and while using a hairdryer to tighten plastic over a window. He will think for himself and on occasion for me.

matrimony change

2008-07-11T14:47:00.001-05:00

I wouldn’t say I was swept up in romance and chivalry when I met my man. I sort of resisted it. Inside though, I knew it was there and loved to be loved like that. I had had a bad relationship right before I met my now husband. It was one of those can’t-get-away from-you sort of things. We dated steady for 6 months and were breaking up for 6 months. I can’t believe I still think of it. It was so very hard to get over, one of the hardest things I have ever done, maybe that is why. I was never enough for him. Nothing I did was interesting enough, talented enough, or golf club enough. (he was a big golfer, I was too silly to fit into that crowd) I actually remember feeling bad that I had no “hobbies”. He even sat me down once and told me the reason that we weren’t meant to be together was because I didn’t have said hobbies. He made me feel inferior which is so ironic because its been nearly 9 years since we split and he is STILL unemployed. I think he was threatened in some way. When I didn’t know how to do something, I figured it out. I was connected to people, he was socially awkward, he made people uncomfortable, he looked like Will Farrell.
This is why I finally allowed myself to love Helio. I resisted for a long time, maybe 3 months until I would finally call him my boyfriend although we were spending every day together, him in his Spanish language, me in English. With Helio, I didn’t have to be anything. I didn’t even have to be interesting. My mother is friends with the old boyfriend’s family, some of them were at our wedding. I tried to make a speech; I don’t think anyone was listening. I remember saying to Helio, thank you for loving me not because of what I can do or what I can offer, but because I am worth loving just because I am. I felt loved and not because I did anything right, just because I was around.
Honestly, I feel things changed on the honeymoon. He turned all things fun into a money counting thing. -Such things as, we can’t eat there or we can’t go on that train because of money. The weird thing is, it always seems he is counting my money. I have always made more than him, not by much but by some. It is good to have someone who is concerned about money but I often times repeat myself over and over saying, “my life is now, I refuse to wait to live it”.
Now I don’t want to be loved just because I am around. I was satisfied with that in my twenties. Now, I want to know why we are together, there should be a reason. Not just because I was the wild one in the group and I would make a good wife. He says he knew from the moment of seeing me that he wanted to marry me. Things just aren’t that clear to me. It took me a while. Heck, I’m still not sure and it will be 5 years of marital bliss this September. I want a partner, a lover, someone who talks to me. I want complexity, inside intimate jokes, and thoughtful pats on the back. I was satisfied at one time with finding stability, simplicity, and a thoroughly devoted man. Is it ok to have needs that evolve to something more and expect your man to keep up? Is that fair?

a week or so later

2008-07-11T14:45:00.000-05:00

So it doesn’t make much sense to start a blog and then not write for a week or so but much has happened since last week. Starting with last Thursday- I had a very discouraging regular check up. My regular doctor and nurse-practioner were gone therefore I had to meet with a nurse-practioner I didn’t know. I asked said woman to aggressively “poke” me during my check which she declined which just caused a chain reaction. I started to cry, she felt the need to tend to my feelings by standing beside me and placing her hands on me. While stroking my back she repeated “this is a very good place to get out these feelings” and “second pregnancies are so much more trying on a mother” I became thoroughly irritated and did my best to shut down any signs of feelings that needed to be addressed. With clenched fists and a suck-it-up attitude I left the clinic deflated.
I had just been told that I would have to wait until week 41 to be induced. That was exactly 3.5 weeks longer than I wanted to be pregnant. I wanted to be done that day. I had done everything I could think of over the weekend prior- I did my husband multiple times though I had no desire to, I walked enough to put my back into a state of spasms, and drank castor oil that did nothing for me other than give me some stomach cramping for a couple hours. I have lived in Mexico a couple times for a month stretch, drinking castor oil does not compete with the pain of eating tacos daily or having all your food prepared in oil and set out in the sun, bugs, and dirt at night to be presented to you in the morning as breakfast.
I made a discrete entrance into work and was happy to not have to explain to my co-workers that no, there was no progress in the opening of my nether-regions. I was called into a conference call and had just enough time to down a latte and a “I-feel-so-sorry-for-myself-scone”. As I sat at my desk and ate my treats I wallowed in the thought of having to sit in my “ergonomic” chair one more week. The chair is obviously not ergonomically built for a prego woman who can not close her legs and must rest her stomach on her lap. I climbed the stairs to the manager’s office while holding my skirt close to my legs so that those below me could not see my green briefs, dreading the hour ahead of me. I did not want to sit an hour in his man smell and listen to the reasons why it is important that we have meetings to plan meetings.
I have no idea what happened in that hour as I couldn’t stop thinking of how ginormous my stomach was, the blazing fluorescent lights (40 minutes into the call, I actually started to shield my eyes), and how when this manager writes- he grinds his teeth which makes his nose click, it is extremely distracting. After the call I made a swift exit, and true to the hour, started on my trek to the bathroom. Upon toilet approach, I felt it possible my water had broken. Sure enough upon inspection of things below I felt I had enough evidence to justify a trip to the hospital to be sure. I did my best to keep my emotions in control and not get my hopes up. However, I called my husband and told him to leave work and meet me at the hospital because I was pretty sure things were going to start.
I made it to hospital and they hooked me up to the monitors to check baby movement, contractions, etc. Then they proceeded to do a few tests to see if it was indeed my amniotic fluid. One of which, I had to direct them to my wet “panties’ at the bottom of my huge metallic lame bag. I would have dug them out myself however, I was attached to a computer at the other side of the room. All of the tests they did came up negative. As I sat there and waited for the doctor to come in I kept thinking, if they give me a pamphlet on The Symptoms of Labor, I am going to throw it at someone. The doctor was a very nice man and totally understood my disappointment. Between the doctor and the nurses it was determined that I was either peeing myself or I was just leaking, both of which I didn’t believe but who am I? Obviously, I am no doctor so I must trust what they say. I was discharged and decided it best that I get pizza.
My husband and I stopped for pizza and as we were eating I had another episode. This time I could see I was “peeing” myself all over the booth at the restaurant we were at. I was horrified. I started to describe to my husband how I can’t possibly walk out of here to which he responded, just get up and leave. Which he proceeded to do, thereby ditching me in my pregnant mess. I continued to “leak” the whole way home. I tried to ignore my symptoms but once I walked into the kitchen and slipped on a pool of fluid that had made its way out of my body I thought, this is ridiculous. I called the clinic and was told to return. I went alone. My husband asks too many questions. Each time something else would change or I had a concern he would ask, “what are they going to tell you at the clinic?” or “what is going on?” to which I would kindly respond “if I knew I wouldn’t need to go there would I?” Some things are just easier to do alone and I didn’t want to be bombarded with questions that I deemed unmanageable.
I decided to take the second trip to the hospital as a gift. It was an evening alone, which meant uninterrupted television for me. They did 2 tests which turned up negative again. The same doctor who discharged me was the one who examined me again this time. He decided to do the sophisticated final exam that they hadn’t done earlier that day. This test required putting some of this leakage on a slide to see how it dried- if it dried in the form of a snow flake, it was indeed amniotic fluid. To my great relief it came back that it was positive. Finally, I had made it to the end of this long pregnancy. It was all going to be over in a matter of hours. Tomorrow, more details. Now I must sleep.
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Today I Blog

2008-07-11T14:43:00.000-05:00

Them

At the encouragement of a few friends I have decided to try my hand at blogging. In my early 30s, I find myself married to a Mexican man from Central Mexico, for nearly 5 years. I am still amazed with my inability to understand him and sheer shock of his ways, culture, and food habits. We are in our sixth month of adjusting to living together again after having lived apart for 14 months due to the process of immigration. It is like getting married all over again. We have one little guy who turns 4 tomorrow and another on the way that could come at any possible moment. Here, I intend to put the frustration, love, and desperation to words in order to save myself from myself.